Club Dancing and Anxieties

I like going out dancing. It's probably one of my favourite activities.

I do this sober for several reasons, mostly because I don't drink, but also because if I danced while drunk, I'd probably throw up everywhere. (Actually I almost definitely wouldn't and I never have, but I'd be worried about it, which would make me anxious to the point of nausea. So just no.)

People tell me they love going out dancing, but that they can only do it while they're drunk. Also that they drink as a sort of 'social lubricant' so they feel more comfortable talking to people.

I literally cannot comprehend either of these things. Mostly because I'm fucking autistic and my brain is a feedback loop and I literally only understand what I relate to.

But. The reason I don't understand, is because I guess I just don't give a shit what anyone thinks. As long as it's true, that is.

Like, if you assume I'm Italian or something, I'll be pissed off because I'm not fucking Italian. Not that there is anything at all wrong with being Italian - there isn't. I'd be way more irritated at being called Italian than if someone called me a dirty Jew. Because I am a Jew and if you think that's a bad thing, that's your problem, and I don't care because I like being a Jew.

How this relates to dancing, is that I I'm dancing, I'm having fun doing it. And if I'm meaning to dance like an idiot, it's because I find it amusing and don't care if people think I'm stupid for it. Besides. People at clubs watching me dance like an idiot are drunk and won't remember later/are dancing like idiots themselves. (The difference being that I'm doing it on purpose, and they're drunk)

And as to the whole, 'it's easier to talk to people when I've had alcohol' thing... Whyyyyyy??? If you go to a bar and talk to people, they're drinking and they'll assume you are too and that's basically the same thing since you can pretty much get away with saying/doing anything ridiculous in that case.

It's a beautiful thing, not caring.

Except I do care about some things.

Like not throwing up ever. Also not having anyone else throw up near me. The second is slightly more important than the first.

Unfortunately for me, being anxious makes me nauseated. And being nauseated makes me anxious. And then sometimes, I get anxious from worrying about maybe getting nauseated, which then makes me nauseated.

Fun story: I've never had food poisoning and the last time I threw up was July 2010 (Whatever I ate was not good. I barfed in a toilet at my friends house while wearing her Optimus Prime shirt). Before that, it was November 2008 (I had the stomach flu and barfed all over my mom's bed. Fun.) before that, it was probably 2001, perhaps earlier. I barfed grape Gatorade onto my parents' bed. Yum. I no longer enjoy grape Gatorade.

I can list off pretty much every time I've ever thrown up. I might be missing a few times from when I was a kid, but I definitely remember 11 times. I don't think that's a lot, but I think the fact that I'm that disturbed that I remember all of them is rather telling.

In addition to remembering these times, I also remember at least 12 panic attacks I've had from people around me either throwing up, or being about to throw up.

People always think its funny, and then I can't breathe or move or stop crying and its really not all that funny anymore. They don't think it's that serious, and then it happens.

That makes me anxious, too. The idea of a panic attack.

Someone tried to tell me once that I wasn't having a panic attack. I wanted to punch her in the face. But fighting makes me anxious too.

Anyway. I think it's funny when people tell me I'm brave for doing something they're afraid to do. You cannot be brave if you aren't afraid. Shaving my head and dancing and wearing crazy clothes is not brave when I do it. It's a lack of fear and its self expression. I'm not afraid of myself.

For me, going out to eat at a restaurant is brave of me because they make me anxious and afraid.