Nothing Is Good & Everything Hurts

When I'm well, I always forget how miserable I am when I fall ill. It doesn't happen overly often, which is nice, but when it does... so much unpleasantness.

Firstly, nothing is good.

Food isn't good. Movies aren't good. It's impossible to be ACTUALLY happy or horny. Nothing is sexual when you're sick. Even hot scenes from films are just meh. Nothing is funny either. Maybe some things can elicit a light chuckle... but it's hard to even do that because, and that brings me to my second point...

Everything hurts.

Laughing hurts, swallowing hurts, moving hurts. Everything is too cold, too hot, too loud, too bright. The sensation of typing out just these few words right now is even itself painful and exhausting. It feels like there is a fat man in my head munching at my brain.

It hurts to smile at amusing things in the Doctor Who episode I am watching. The idea of getting dressed and walking to go get medicine and a movie sounds as difficult and unpleasant as some sort of triathalon involving swimming the Channel, running across the Sahara, and doing the Tour De France. And at the end of it, no one is proud or pats you on the back, because good for you, you walked a few blocks to the store. But then again, with how I currently feel, I wouldn't want a pat on the back anyway.

I recall once being nastily ill in California over Christmastime. I was half asleep watching some movie in my grandparents' bed, and my mom had said that she was going out "soon" and would pick me up some nyquil or somesuch. She walked in over an hour after telling me this, and I was elated. Finally, maybe I'd get to feel better... but no. Lucky me. She was walking in to let me know that she was leaving then and would be gone for hours. I think I cried. I feel like crying now, really.

Being sick is so, so miserable. I never feel this bad! It's not even like the urge to cry because something is sad. It's the urge to cry because everything is at the most awful that you could ever possibly imagine. It hurts and you feel helpless as you just need to wait to feel better and there's nothing really you can do. And of course crying makes it worse.

Crying makes everything worse.

It makes people stare and ask if you're alright. "Well no. I was just crying because I'm so pleased that everything is so fucking dandy right now." They never ask if you're alright if you're doing that tears of joy crying thing. They just KNOW you're happy. SO why the fuck bother me and ask if I'm alright when I'm clearly not. It's not to make me feel better, that's for sure. It's to make them feel as though they've done something about it. It does nothing except remind me how horrid everything is and why I'm crying in public in the first place.

I'm so excited to be home from the store. It hasn't happened yet... but when it does, it will involve crisps, and juice, and cold medicine, and ice cream, and a dvd of Alice in Wonderland. And the end of plotting to go out. Having no agenda but to lie in bed watching English things and eating crisps and ice cream and drinking juice. And possibly Gatorade.

That's the only down-side of living alone. When you're ill, you've got to do everything for yourself. Good thing that'll only be for a week longer.

Why do I always seem to get ill around Christmas? I'm such a downer.

It doesn't even feel like 9 days until Christmas. Maybe it will when I get to Michigan. I don't decorate and everything is in chaos from being half-packed and sorted.