Je Ne Regrette Rien

I keep trying to find a regret about leaving Alberta 5 weeks early.
...And then I think for about half a second, and come to the conclusion that no, I'm glad I left exactly when I did.

I missed the no-trace excursion.
But let's be honest here, did I actually want to spend a week trapped at some camp site with all my roommates? Did I actually want to climb some sort of mountain? Did I actually want to spend nights freezing my ass off surrounded by insects?
Of course not.

I missed the "reunion" with all the other groups.
But I'm pretty okay with that one, seeing as it would have involved having to see and/or hang out with someone I would have felt super awkward around. You know? Because there's just those things that happen sometimes, where you're like, well that was fun for a weekend, but now I don't really ever want to see you again so that I don't have to deal with any of the bullshit that would come with it.

I missed riding a brakeless death-trap bike up and down a giant hill and then hauling a watering can around twice a day.
Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend on that one. Why would I possibly miss that? Apart from getting to read in the sun, which was nice, but I can do that from my front steps anyway. Or a park. Or anywhere outside in Toronto. Like the beach. Because there's a beach here. And a lake. And y'know... stores.

I missed going out and drinking with my roommates on weekends.
Oh... wait no. I don't do that one anyway.

I recall at one point, one of my roommates told me that everyone was kinda bummed out that I stayed in my bed a whole bunch and would rarely come hang out with them outside of forced group activities. She said, "y'know, we kind of like you." And I'm sure that's nice and everything, but being home the past few weeks have made me realise somethings. Firstly is that I actually really, really didn't like most of my roommates. By that, I don't mean I hated all of them, because quite honestly, I really did completely detest four of them. Another, was okay when not being annoying, but when she was annoying me, it was like my insides turned to hellfire and I hated her in those moments more than I hate Mark David Chapman all the time. There were three that I actually really liked as I either just kinda gelled with them, or they gave me enough fucking space to breathe. But then one of them went home, which sucked. The others... they weren't godawful, but I wouldn't hang out with them if given a choice.

We did an exercise, the Friday night before I left, about roles in a group. We did this thing where we had to pretend to be all these different roles, like the nice guy, or the bully, or the clinging vine, etc. Then, because the mosquitoes were getting unpleasant, we went back to the house and did another exercise in the living room where we had to pick the roll that we saw ourselves as or that we liked playing the best and felt most comfortable in. All of my roommates picked to be either the "nice guy" or the "compromiser". I picked "the calculator". The calculator is interested in everything they care about being perfect, correcting people when they're wrong, not actually giving a shit what other people think about them, and other such things. Sound familiar? If you know me at all, it should. Most people will do anything to get people to like them. I really don't care. I only like people who like me. But that's like a square is a rectangle. People who like me are rectangles. I like squares. Meaning I don't like everyone who likes me, but everyone I like likes me. Anyway, back to this story about exercises. My roommates were all playing nice. Which was super awkward... because really, they're not like that. The one I liked a whole bunch, but left 3 months in, was like that. They also aren't very good at acting. It was all fake and plastic. They ended up all sitting together on one couch. I was sitting on the couch adjacent and they kept asking if I'd come sit with them. There were like 9 people on that couch. 9 people I'd had more than enough of. Of course I stayed on my own couch and politely declined.

I don't understand why people don't seem to understand the concept of "no". You don't have to ask more than once if you get declined. No is an absolute. If someone says 'no', it isn't because they're unsure. It isn't because they think you can convince them. It isn't because they mean 'yes', or 'keep asking'. It's because they mean no. Or at least, that's what should happen. People should be direct and absolute. Even if they are unsure, they should say 'I'm not sure', which is both direct and has some sort of absolution to it in that they are certain they cannot determine if they mean yes or no at the present time.

The reason I mention the above, is because a day or so earlier after a meeting, there was some sort of hug business in which we all had to hold hands, and then someone started to roll into the middle and it turned into some sort of person roll thing. For some very strange reason, it was decided that I should be in the middle of this, being the first person to roll in. Have these people met me and spent 5 months living with me, or not? Why on earth would anyone possibly think I would want that? I said, "no". And there was literally 3 minutes spent trying to get me to be in the middle. I thought it would have been quite clear by then that I am the exact sort of person who doesn't do anything she doesn't want to. I actually can't remember the last time I did something I genuinely did not want to. I'll do things I find unpleasant. And things I'd rather not do. But I don't do anything I do not want to do. And I'm pretty much the most stubborn person ever, so good luck trying to make me do anything. Therefore, it was rather surprising to me that not only did they keep asking after I said no the first time, but they somehow actually believed that I would relent at some point. "Guys, she's not going to do it." Fucking duh? What part of no, did they not comprehend?

Anway. The point is that I don't regret going, I don't regret not staying, I dont regret being a calculator and not putting on a front to make them like me. Because honestly, I don't mind group activities. I don't mind volunteer work. I don't mind having to share a room if my bed is surrounded by curtains. But for the love of, if I'm not required to be with you, leave me the fuck alone.