Boyfriend

I've never really had a boyfriend.

I mean. I had boyfriends sometimes while I was growing up, but that's not really... real or anything. Just stupid like, "Oh, I'll see you in school and we hold hands, and maybe go to the movies or mall sometimes."

Stupid kid shit.

And the last time I had a "boyfriend" was when I was seventeen. He was lame and I dumped him after about a month. He'd complain about how I'd hang out with my friends more than him... as if I was supposed to put him before them... when I'd known them longer and liked them better. All he ever wanted to do was hang out at the mall, anyway. He once got all pissy because my friends Dollie and Mellisa and I skipped school to go to shopping at the mall one day. I guess he really didn't understand that "shopping" is vastly different than "hanging out at the mall with no money not really doing anything". One is fun. One is not and gets old really quickly. Anyway, he was clingy and for some reason expected me to be really open with him about my feelings and such. Whatever.

Anyway, since then, I've refused to "date" anyone.

I can't stand the thought of having a boyfriend ever again. I don't want to have to be around someone all the time, dealing with their bullshit and their feelings. Just the thought makes me squirm. I can't stand sleeping in the same bed as anyone else. I'm not a big fan of cuddling... at all. It feels like being suffocated. Like please. Just stay on that side of the couch while we watch this movie. I don't want anyone to ever think they have any sort of 'claim' on me. I like being completely free to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. I like not feeling obligated to be nice to certain people because they're my "boyfriend"'s friends or whatever.

I think most people are terrified by the thought of being alone. But to be honest, I can't think of anything I'd like better. I hate living with other people. I didn't even like living with my parents. I'm far more terrified of being stuck with someone forever than being stuck without anyone.

I don't really know why, but, to be honest, I have no issue with any of this.