Black Plastic

Freakin' England

2012-02-06T12:25:00.003-05:00

I'm in England. I took pictures.

This has been a picture post. The city ones are Manchester. Some are Wigan. The countryside ones are mostly Appley Bridge. And the ones of me are me.

Exercise Fiend

2012-01-29T04:27:00.002-05:00

When I lived in Toronto, the only time I'd do anything remotely physical in terms of activities, was when I'd ride my bike around. If If I didn't have my bike, I didn't leave my house.
Gross, right?!

I live in England now and there's something about it that makes me want to be the sportiest person in the world. I've started running, even. Which is crazy because I've spent most of my life abhorring running and all things related.

I've pretty much hijacked the boy's ipod and I have a running application on it and another that tracks my weight, caloric intake, and how many calories I burn exercising. So far, I've lost 4kg. Most of which was probably bloaty water weight, but whatever.

We went into Manchester the other day and went shopping. I picked up a pair of rugby shorts, sweatpants for running in the morning when it's cold, a sports bra, sport socks, and a rugby ball. Next time we go, I'm going to get some running shoes.

I've also been cooking more since I have access to a kitchen and pantry space. Stoked!

Arthur Christmas: A Summary... And Things

2012-01-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

I often forget that I absolutely adore children's movies. Mostly because they're fucking ridiculous.

Hint: Robots is one of my favourite movies. I should probably watch that next.

I'm watching Arthur Christmas right now and it's like 7am and everyone is asleep so I'm trying not to be loud, but ohmygod, a fucking dead rat just fell out of a trumpet in this animated kids' movie and I can't stop laughing about it. This is like actually the greatest movie ever.

All I knew about it before was that Bill Nighy was in it and played like Grandpa Santa or something like that. Also, that they had a special on at Denny's in which they had christmas cookie shakes and pancakes. Which were excellent, in the event that you were wondering how it was to have cookie bits in your shakes and pancakes. Yum!

Anyway. I found out James McAvoy was in this and was apparently adorable in it, so I decided to watch it because really what else have I to do at 7am?

Basically, it's about this guy Arthur (McAvoy), who is the youngest son of Santa (Jim Broadbent). He's really clumsy and kind of fail, so he's pretty much been banished to the letters department of the North Pole in which he reads and replies to all the letters to Santa. His older brother Steve (Hugh Laurie) is in charge of the whole present delivery operation and he runs that from the North Pole. It's basically that there's a bunch of mission control elves and they control things from the command room at the North Pole, and then the presents get delivered by a bunch of specialist elves in a futuristic aircraft shaped like a massive sleigh. Santa pretty much delivers one present per country by himself because he's a. really old, and b. not really good at it anymore or something. Grandsanta (Nighy) is the former Santa and tells stories about how he delivered presents during wars with reindeer, a sleigh, and a drunken elf. So basically, they miss delivering some girl's twinkle bike in the initial go-around, so Grandsanta and Arthur bust out the old sleigh and the reindeer and go to deliver it themselves.

Also. Grandsanta has some ridiculous old pet reindeer that has a surgery cone on it. And, the version I'm watching is from some ripped DVD that was supposed to be used for award consideration. So it's perfect aside from the occasional "FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION" across the bottom of the screen. It's nice to watch a brand new movie from my computer without shitty filmed-in-cinema sound or people walking across the screen. Because that totally happens to me all the time.

(I'm actually technically live-blogging my first time watching this.)

The movie is totally gorgeous. The storyline, the animation, the score.
They sail on this sleigh through the Northern Lights, amongst narwhals, AND almost run into the fucking CN Tower, which was super rad as I wasn't really expecting to see Toronto at Christmas this year. I kind of miss it. Also. They nearly run into City Hall. Ohgod. Best line, "The Santa's always come through Canada! No one lives here! It's nice and quiet!" And then they lose a reindeer somewhere in the middle of Toronto. Hilarity.

Anyway, they get lost in Idaho, get shot at, accidentally impersonate a flying saucer by getting tangled in lights, and end up in Africa. Which Grandsanta assures Arthur is France. "They have elephants in France?!" "The odd stray. They breed in the drains."

Back at the North Pole, Steve is freaking out that Grandsanta has escaped as the occasional wild old person does. He digs up the old head of sleigh communications to get some ancient type-writer-esque machine used for contacting the old sleigh out and get it up and running.

MEANWHILE ON THE SERENGETI, Arthur, and elf, and Grandsanta are surrounded by lions who want to eat them. Arthur is attempting to pacify them with his fuzzy light-up slippers and singing. They escape, and, after a struggle, fly away.

Using GPS, they finally make it to the girl's house to deliver her bike. Only then Grandsanta throws a crabby bitchfit and refuses to come in to deliver the present so Arthur and the elf, Bryony, do it instead. They set off the alarm, but deliver the bike anyway... only there's already a bike there, at which point they discover that they're actually in Mexico, not England as they should be. And just when you think they'll make it... they end up stranded in Cuba.

The elves all wake Santa up and ask if he's actually missed a child. He sort-of brushes it off which leads to them asking why that one doesn't matter and why, if she doesn't matter, Arthur and Grandsanta have gone to deliver her present. And then the elves freak out and start asking Steve if it's true that children aren't real, and are only made of anti-matter. And then Steve throws a hissy-fit and walks out singing and leaves all the complex technology up to Santa because he's angry that his father didn't retire and leave being Santa to him. Also, it show-cases Hugh Laurie's wonderful singing voice.

Arthur, Bryony the elf, Grandsanta, and the ridiculously old reindeer escape from Cuba in a stolen rowboat. Grandsanta tells them how reindeer are actually morons and will just fly in a straight line round and round the world. They devise a plan to get back into the sleigh. Arthur miraculously ends up back in the sleigh, manages to stop it, and "steer" it back down to the others, after which Grandsanta takes over because Arthur is a shit driver.

Santa, Mrs. Claus, and Steve take the sleigh shaped space-ship out to deliver Gwen her present on the assumption that Arthur and Grandsanta will be epic fail at it. They don't actually tell the elves that they're leaving, though, which causes a panic. They think the Santas are leaving and that Christmas doesn't matter (seeing as perhaps children don't matter either, seeing as one was missed and a big deal wasn't immediately made about it) which leads them to press some sort of panic button that cancels Christmas.

Back in the sleigh, they manage to break past Earth's atmosphere to finally see where they're going. Coming back down through the atmosphere, as one would expect, sets the sleigh ablaze with friction. They're leaving a trail of flames and they loose their three remaining reindeer and end up plummeting down through the clouds. The incredibly old pet reindeer of Grandsanta shakes it's surgical cone off and jumps to the rescue in front of the sleigh. They're worried about being spotted, so they use the UFO camouflage setting to disguise the sleigh as a flying saucer. Which is hilarious.

Meanwhile, defence leaders of the world are having a video meeting about safety threats to the planet because they actually think the planet is being invaded by aliens. It doesn't help that the sleigh goes into UFO mode a few seconds before it shows up on the defence cameras and is subsequently the first view of it they get. So, some aircraft ends up following them, attracted by the electronics in Arthur's slippers. They all abandon sleigh and it gets blown up, which is quite sad as it was a thing of beauty.

The spacesleigh ends up in Trelew and Steve goes down to deliver an upgraded bike... and realises that they've ended up in Mexico. They then high-tail it over to England where Arthur is managing to deliver the present. ...also where a slightly delerious Grandsanta is driving around in a garbage can pulled by his old pet reindeer. All three rush into the house to fight over who gets to deliver the present first. Santa decides that Arthur should do it and subsequently become the new Santa.

In the end everyone is happy, which is nice.

Anyway... that has been a summary. In the event that you were wondering the entire plot of Arthur Christmas but didn't want to go see it. But it's slightly sad because it's definitely worth seeing but now I've gone and spoiled it for you all. I'm sorry.

So yeah. This has been a blog.

Well I Swear That I Don't Have A Gun

2012-01-20T18:24:00.000-05:00

Take your time.
Hurry up.
The choice is yours, don't be late.

Come as you are.

In Search Of Perfection...

2012-01-17T22:10:00.002-05:00

I think I want to try and perfect the recipe for Key Lime Pie.

There are so many ways to make it...
With sour cream... with egg yolks.
With both, perhaps?

I'm not sure...

And what on top?

Lime jello?
Cool whip all over?
Meringue?
A lining of whipped cream just around the edge?
A mixture of sour cream and cool whip?

I don't really like how sweet it ends up tasting. I want to make the most perfectly tart key lime pie.

Yes. This is all.

Happy Holidays You Bastard

2011-12-12T03:43:00.002-05:00

Is the title of a blink song, if you were unawares.

Tonight, my friend Mike from Scotland and I went to see blink-182 play at some sports arena here in San Diego. On our way there, we went to In N Out, which was nice.

So we got to the venue and weasled our way up to the front and saw some band called Mutemath. They were okay. Not my favourite but they were super entertaining to watch.

Everlast went on. I've never heard of them before and wouldn't buy their album or anything, but their cover of Folsom Prison Blues was cool.

I think DMC was next? It was okay. It was like. Half of RUN DMC. Or whatever. So that was okay.

Pennywise went on and I saw SO many bloody noses. They were rad. And at the end, I think I managed to get against the barrier. Which is my goal in life for all shows ever.

Switchfoot went on. They were like, my first real show when I was like 13 or whatever. I had a t-shirt from their show. It was brown with a pink logo. Yum. Anyway, it was really funny seeing them because I didn't know they even still toured. Upon further ferreting around on their wikipedia page, I've been reminded that they did Oh! Gravity at some point while I was in highschool. It was a rad song and I recall once sitting on my desk and rocking out to it.

Social Distortion were good. They were all really well-dressed which was cool. Their singer, Mike Ness has face tattoos and a fight broke out somewhere behind me and he started talking about how people with tattoos weren't necessarily badasses. They covered Ring of Fire as their last song. Which was exciting. I love Johnny Cash. And literally the entire time Mike Ness was staring at me. Which was awkward. Because he's okay looking I guess and his tattoos are hot, but he's 49... so yeah, whatever. I just smiled about Johnny Cash songs and sang along and stared right back at him anyway. Because seriously why not?

Blink went on last and they were amazing. I was literally dead centre for them when they first got on (but was slowly pushed over to Tom). After they played two songs, Tom came over to the middle and we looked at each other and he mouthed hello at me, so I said hi and waved. ...And then he opened his mouth and drooled a massive gooey looge. Ew. So I spit at him. It didn't hit him or anything, but the guy next to me gave me a high-five for it.

Mark Hoppus is gorgeous.

Like. Actually. Freakishly good looking. It should be illegal to have eyes that blue. Or not. Actually. Just... to sleep. Or blink.

Anyway. He is excellent. At everything ever. Like bass and being cool. And funny. A+ for the funnies.

He was rad and came over and played in front of me and smiled at me a whole bunch. Which was awesome because obviously I love him and want to stare at him forever. He also came over and was like, HEY THESE ARE FOR YOU! when I was looking at him, and threw a bunch of plecs at me. So rad! Oh. Also. My bra matched his nail varnish. I actually didn't remember his nails when I chose to wear this bra.

...Also I took my shirt off because it was coming down anyway. I was totally going to throw it onstage, but it's my Kid Dynamite shirt so I decided that would be a dumb idea. It was also just nicer to be topless. I was in my bra, anyway, though.

So yeah. They were lovely and wonderful and I adore them.

Things I Do

2011-12-04T00:57:00.003-05:00

I'm in San Diego now.
I work at a hostel in the gaslamp.
I'm the only girl.
I have 4 roommates. They're all guys.
We sleep in a 3-storey death trap. Basically.
But it's really cool. In fact. It's probably; the coolest place I've ever lived.
Having 4 guy roommates is a million times better than having 5 girl roommates.
Also, California is better than Alberta. Like. A lot.
I feel a little rebellious sharing a room with 4 guys.
Mostly because even public bathrooms are kept separate.
Even though I'm 21. And it's not like I've never slept with guys before.
But still. I've never actually gotten to share a room with them. It was always against some rule.
The nightlife here is really great. We go out a lot. It's actually a part of our jobs.
We went to a pretentious 3-storey club called Stingaree's last night. It had an outside upper deck which was beautiful.
I decided to suit the occasion and drink iced water with lemon in martini glasses all night.
The ends of them were really sour since the lemon would side there, so my face would squick like I was actually drinking alcohol.
And not drinking water out of a martini glass like the pretentious ass I actually am.
I met the most perfect looking tattoo artist there. He only does oldschool stuff.
Having tattoo artists as friends is my favourite thing ever.
Half the staff/my roommates are sick today. Including myself.
Instead of going to TJ or Boudoir, I'm staying in with my computer.
Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.
I like California and I love the hostelling thing. I meet tonnes of really awesome people all the time.
I haven't been to the beach, yet.
Not as though there's really any point right now. I'm not allowed to swim for another 4 weeks.

Anyway. That's my life right now.

Ships Have Names

2011-11-20T10:52:00.000-05:00

Mine needs colouring. Soon. Maybe.

The Idiot Adventures of Merk and Tum

2011-11-20T03:59:00.004-05:00

This is a photos post.

Mister Stephanie paid a visit to Mister Alan last night. We assumed alter-alter egos, Merk Heppish and Tum DiLung.
Because we're kind of giant idiots and it's funny. A lot. Anyway.

This is my mullet.

This is Tum being kawaii and Merk thinking he's clever.

We like each other lots.

Kind of idiots.

Massive dingbats.

Misters Stephanie and Alan are attractive humans with attractive expressions. But not really.

This is our band, HPC.

I... don't have words for this one.

I think it was our faces in a prior picture...

This is what we do.

Let Us Take Some Time To Complain, Shall We?

2011-11-13T07:22:00.002-05:00

Yes. I think I will.

I'm not allowed to exercise until the second of December.
That means no bike rides. No "power walking" either.
Not that I actually do that, I don't, but it was specified.

I wonder if yoga counts as exercise. I feel like I'm just stuck in bed listening to Angels and Airwaves songs.
Not that this isn't good. I like AVA.
The lyrics are brilliant. Music... it's like experimental space rock / stadium rock. I feel like if I was on some sort of hallucinogenic drug, it would be one of the most amazing experiences of my life to just sit and listen to their music. But like. I don't do drugs because I'm much too terrified of being at all out of control of myself. So I don't see that happening. Anyway, musically it's okay.
But seriously, the lyrics.
If I listen close enough, I cry.

All I want is to exercise. I have a new body. I probably could actually exercise without feeling like I'm going to die. But of course I'm not allowed. And how shit is that?
If I'm out of shape from lazing around for an entire month, how am I supposed to be able to surf?

Anyway. I have all these cool bruises. It's a lot more bruised than this picture would let on. You can't see how bright yellow my skin is between the purple and blue bits. I love bruises, I'm so excited about this.

32 Days.

2011-11-09T12:16:00.004-05:00

Why is my life eternally count-downs to things? Glord.

Anyway. That's happening.
GA Floor ticket to see blink.
File this under reasons I like breathing.
A lot. Being alive is so cool right now.
I like my life. Everything makes me happy.
Except for coffee. Espresso makes me super unhappy.
It's delicious, but ohmygod all the caffeine. It kills me.

I spent all last night in bed alone making sad cat noises. I must be the most annoying person ever.

I'm only going to be in Toronto for 12 more days. I have to do Toronto-y things, I guess.
Like go eat at Hot Beans. I think I'll do that today. Go get a burrito the size of my head.
How ironic that I should be eating burritos here.

Anyway. My new body and I are going to go thrifting and go get a burrito from Hot Beans.

Maybe next month I'll write about the fries I get from In N Out. <3

This is my new blink shirt. I bought it before my surgery and refused to wear it until after.
Now I refuse to take it off. Me gusta.

C Average

2011-11-03T16:10:00.002-04:00

C's are not a good grade in school.
But they're a really nice boobs size to be.
My clothes fit now and it makes me the happiest ever.

Dandy Brandy

2011-10-25T06:05:00.001-04:00

I'm being Russell Brand for Halloween. It's fucking excellent and hilarious.

Tony Hawk Was The First Person To Pull Off A 900

2011-10-20T03:36:00.002-04:00

It's true.

I'm doing my hair.
I've been doing my fucking hair for the past 48 hours. It's an ordeal.
I smell like candy and my lips taste like grape medicine because of the chapstick I got today. It was on sale and it has a monster on it. I couldn't resist. Plus that plastic-grape taste is delicious.

I have mint green and light pink hair dyes. Maybe I'll do a mint stripe and a pink chunk in my otherwise nearly white hair and it'll be like the cover of the untitled blink record. How fucking tacky.

But that's what I want. Tacky.

I want to wear lurid shades of lipstick like sky blue, orange, violet, and mint green. I want to never shave my armpits again. I want to walk down the street and have people look at me and go "Oh God. What is that person wearing? That's ridiculous/horrid/disgusting/tacky! It's fucking fabulous!" I want to be so fucking disgusting that it's not even horrible anymore, it's just awesome. I want to wear over-sized metal-band t-shirts with patterned tights and Doc Martens.

I like MollySoda. I like Yo-Landi Vi$$er. I like Kim Schifino.

I... have no idea where I'm going with this.

ANYWAY. If you see me, and think I look hella fucking tacky and completely unaware of current fashion, don't worry. I'm aware. I just want to look this way. :)

Depression

2011-10-08T17:50:00.004-04:00

File it under things beyond my comprehension. I mean, apparently it happens. I just... It's like the 1903 Frank rockslide. 90 million tonnes of limestone slid off the east face of Turtle Mountain near Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. But really. What the actual fuck is 90 million tonnes? It's like trying to comprehend infinity or the scale of The Universe. I can't.

According to Wikipedia, depression is a mental disorder characterised by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

I genuinely believe that I could never be depressed. At all. Ever. Seriously. Like. I cannot imagine a single thing that would ever make me depressed.

It would have to be something I did to myself because I refuse to take bullshit from anyone. If you do something that bothers me, I will remove myself from your presence. End of story. For example, if you're throwing up and I'm the only person around, I won't be for long. I don't care if you're puking blood. I have emetophobia and a panic disorder, in terms of my priorities, my ability to breathe is higher on my scale of things to worry about than anything to do with your health. I dont apologise for this.

And I can't imagine doing anything to myself that would cause me to be depressed. Apparently the following cause depression:

loneliness
stress
relationship problems
financial strain
alcohol abuse
unemployment
health issues or chronic pain

I feel like my parents were always rather worried about me when I was a teenager. They probably thought I was lonely. My mother probably still thinks I'm lonely. Maybe most people assume I am? After all, I do spend most of my time alone in my room... Alone ≠ lonely. I very much enjoy being alone in my room. After all, I frequently quote "Adam's Song" and say, "I couldn't wait, 'til I got home, to pass the time in my room alone". It's so true, too. There are few things I enjoy as much as being alone in my room.

Being alone in my room means there's no one to bother me and I can do whatever the fuck I please. Also, alone isn't really alone. At present, I have a whole shelf full of books, a bass guitar, an acoustic guitar, a Halloween costume waiting to be made, two computers, and a stuffed turtle. Guess what? They're better than people! They do what I want. They don't bug me about things. They don't even talk back if I don't want. Honestly, if I were stranded on an island, I'd rather be stranded with a computer than with another person.

I'm not lonely. I'm a fucking hermit. + I kind of hate people.

Another thing is stress. I don't like being stressed. It rarely happens to me, but when it does, I don't like it. So I get rid of it. I had to work at a thrift store once, which was fucking awful and boring and a whole bunch of monotonous physical labour... which REALLY is not my thing at all. I'm more in the brainwork spectrum. I found it unpleasant and stressful. So I stopped working there. It was simple. If it's stressful, I either make it not stressful, or I stop doing whatever the fuck it is that's stressing me out. Life is too short to be stressed. If you're stressed out, clearly you're doing something wrong.

Relationship problems! This is something I don't think I will ever have! I don't do relationships. I haven't for years. Don't plan to any time soon. Too ridiculous and clingy and... blergh.

Financial strain. As if. Moving on.

Alcohol abuse... see above where I mentioned emetophobia. Too afraid of barfing to drink. Also. I just don't like being drunk. I don't know why. Any time I do drink, I'm just like, ew, why did I think I would enjoy this?

Unemployment. Why is this a reason for depression? Shouldn't this be a cure for depression? Don't most people have fucking awful "worker-bee" jobs that are just a part of the whole machine that suck all the life out of them? Work, eat, sleep, repeat. Fuck that! Do what you love. Fuck the rest.

One of the main reasons why I can't comprehend depression and am positive I will never be depressed is because I like pain far too much to ever be unhappy about experiencing it. I like pressing my fingers into my bruises. I love the sting of a slap. I like sitting for tattoos. It's not a thing I unhappily sit through for the art. It is a thing that I unflinchingly endure because I enjoy the way it feels. If I didn't, I'd have stopped getting tattoos a very long time ago. I don't do things I don't like. I don't do things that actually hurt. I think "pain" and "hurting" are different things. I like pain, but I don't enjoy things that hurt. Does that even make sense? I love being sad. I love crying. I love being so miserable I could tear my skin off. And then I listen to music when I'm tired of it and I put myself in a different mood.

I like getting piercings. I love, love, love cutting designs into my skin with razor blades. I really like watching them bleed. I like the healing burn that I get for the next few days. I like the scars they leave. I like being scratched and bitten. I find it thrilling to go flying off of my bicycle and leave a few layers of my skin attached to the pavement once I ride off. I don't even know when I became so enamoured with pain. I like that I am, though. It makes me feel superhuman.

Another thing is that I could never have low self-esteem. Sometimes I hate my body so much I never want to eat again and just want to tear off all of my skin... but then OhMyGod, food is SO good! Sometimes I won't eat for a while. Which gives me these empty stomach pains that feel so so nice. And then I remember how awesome food is and eat again. Pasta with sauce. Cookies. Home-made peanut granola with Kefir to promote fucking awesome gut flora. Food is just way too fucking amazing to not eat. Of course I'm jealous of concentration camp victims, though. It's not fair. They didn't even want to be that thin. Save all of them and starve me to skeletal. I would if I could. I'd trade places with every single one of them. How fucked is that? But really. I love food and don't have an eating disorder. Promise.

But so what? A fat ass can be exercised off if I was really so inclined to do so. Perhaps when I live somewhere that doesn't have such unpleasant weather. Seriously, fuck Toronto. Just because I hate my thighs, it doesn't mean I hate myself. Because seriously, fuck off, I am awesome. If I don't like me, who the fuck else would I expect to? I certainly don't like people who don't like themselves. And anyway, why wouldn't I like myself? I'm witty, clever, intelligent, and a total Slytherin. I can play polo, bass, and paint. I like aliens, pirates, and dinosaurs. I have tattoos and cool hair. And, I can make myself orgasm. What's not to like? I am exactly what 5-year-old me would have wanted to be when I was my age. Winning at life, this is how it's done. OH! And I'm being a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle for Halloween this year. Seriously, I'm awesome.

So... yeah. I might seem depressed because I sit around alone in my room all day crying about Russell Crowe dying in Gladiator, or being unhappy about my fucking fat ass, or carving snakes into my flesh with razors, or staring blankly at the ceiling while listening to songs about suicide. But it's because I genuinely very much enjoy doing these things. I don't do things I don't want to do.

Strange...

2011-10-06T07:36:00.003-04:00

When did 'sleep' become synonymous with 'fuck'?
I mean. If you're comparing sex to sleeping with someone, it mustn't have been very good, then.

I Don't Believe In Love

2011-10-05T06:30:00.002-04:00

I believe in enjoyment and adoration. In comfort and satisfaction. But I do not believe in love. Well. Not romantic love, anyway. I certainly believe that people love their friends and family members... or should.
But I don't believe in love or romance. I don't think it's real. I think monogamy is something someone made up to stop STIs from spreading once upon a bible.

Maybe it's because I've never been in love. But honestly, I don't think I ever will be. I've always had specific reasons for being in any given relationship I've ever been in. And "love" was never one of them. It was usually boredom, to be honest. New relationships are thrilling... for a while, and then they just get annoying.

I don't believe in love. I believe in masturbation and chocolate.

She Brings Me Mexican Food From Sombrero, Just Because

2011-09-22T00:01:00.002-04:00

The above is a line from the blink-182 song "Josie". I just got back from going to Sombrero, here in San Diego.
It was an adventure, to say the least.

It started off with walking 3 miles out to Sombrero. Which was relatively uneventful.
We got there, ordered, and then left. We were on our way to catch the #2 bus when we ran into some people on a free beer bus or something to that effect. It was like this bus that drives you around to a bunch of different bars. For free. So we got on that. And then got off and waited for the actual #2.

We got that and the driver was weird as hell. He seemed like he was on drugs or some shit. He looked as us (two healthy kids in our early 20s) and was like, "Oh, it's $1.10 for disabled" and I was like, >_> what the fuck. So we paid him $1.10 and then he was just kind of like, K YOU'RE GOOD. Maybe it was my boobs? I have no idea.

Anyway, we went and sat down. So first of all, some dude legit had tourettes. So I was like, sit next to me. now. NOW. To my friend, and he did. So then the guy at the back of the bus started loudly talking about how unhappy being around unattractive women made him. And he just kept talking in circles and going on and on about it. Which was hilarious because of how fucking rude he was. So we were basically sitting there and actually crying because of how hard we were laughing. I honestly thought I was going to throw up I was laughing SO hard. It was ridiculous.

And then the guy in front of me shit himself. Like. Actually. It smelled SO bad.

So yeah. That was my night.

Shit.Fucking.Cocksucker.Dammit.

2011-09-18T01:44:00.002-04:00

FUUUUUUUUCK!
fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. ass head in hole dammit.
BALLSACK. ugh.

Yet again, I have failed to meet Bill Nighy.

Ugh.

2011-09-15T20:51:00.001-04:00

I can't sleep.
I can't stay awake.

I am a zombie.

I need chocolate and feather comforters.
And also, to be naked.

...very, very naked.

Jet lag. Why?
Rude.

Album Review: Neighborhoods

2011-09-15T19:36:00.002-04:00

I reserve doing album reviews for special occasions and exceptionally good albums. This is both. It's the first new blink-182 album in 8 years, and their first new material since their break-up and make-up.

It's a blink album, to be certain. They're the same band as they always were, but they're a completely new band at the same time. The 8 years it's been since their last album came out really, really shows. They've grown up a lot since 2003; they are not in their 20s anymore. They're married [and divorced] and have children.

It sounds nothing like Enema of the State, but why would it? This isn't the 90s anymore. During the band's hiatus, they all had time to expand on their own. Travis has his own album, Mark did +44 (with Travis), and Tom has done both Box Car Racer, and Angels and Airwaves.

Some people are saying that blink sounds too much like Angels and Airwaves featuring +44 now. But is that not what it always was? To me, AVA sounds like Tom and +44 sounds like Mark. Obviously Travis sounds like Travis. In having the chance to separate and do their own projects, I feel it gave them a chance to develop their own sounds, and us a chance to differentiate between the two.

So, there's a lot of Tom on the record, and there's a lot of Mark on the record, and the whole thing has Travis putting in the solid beats in the background. It's a fitting place for him, I think. He puts in what needs to be there and it holds everything together perfectly. He seems to be a lot like that in person, as well.

Ghost on the Dancefloor:
I think this was a really good choice for a first song, it's one of my favourites on the record so far. It's very up-beat and really quite dancy with lyrics about being incredibly sad and lonely, which is what a lot of blink songs are about anyway, so nothing new there.

Natives:
The bass on this song is amazing. It sounds like it could have been released on their last album. Nothing has changed, which is not a bad thing at all.

Up All Night:
This is the first single, which I personally think was a mistake. It is a very new sound for them and I think a smarter choice for first single would have been After Midnight. Not that this isn't a great song. Since it was their first single, I've had a long while to listen to it. It has the back and forth style that they have perfected and it's executed brilliantly on this track. It doesn't sound like their old sound at all, but you can clearly hear the merging of their 3 signature styles and it's a great marriage.

After Midnight:
This is another one of my favourite tracks. It's a perfect balance of their newer sounding songs, and their classics. It's absolutely brilliant lyrically. And it's catchy, which I love. I have nothing else to really say other than this song is, in my opinion, excellent and should have been the first single.

Snake Charmer:
This song is really dark, both lyrically and musically. There's a lot going on, but it fits together well, somehow. It's very much a "Tom and Travis" song. The bass line is great, but that's really all I hear of Mark on this track. It's lacking, there.

Heart's All Gone:
It has an interlude before it which is rather haunting and pretty experimental. It's a different direction for them. I'm glad it's on its own track so that I don't have to listen to it repeatedly, though. It's nice for sometimes and goes great for a straight listen-through of the album, but I wouldn't want it fused to Heart's All Gone.
The drumming really stands out on this track. It seems like a counter to Snake Charmer; it's very much of a Mark and Travis creation. The vocals and lyrics are both really strong, and it's up-beat.

Wishing Well:
Musically it sounds like some of their older stuff, which will never earn any complaints from me. It's vivid and interesting lyrically and is taking a lot of what Tom has been working with in AVA.

Kaleidoscope:
This, lyrically, one of my favourite tracks on the album. Mark sounds amazing on it; he has a really, really gorgeous voice. Instrumentally, it's nothing special or extraordinary, but the vocals are stunning.

This Is Home:
It's electronic and dancy. The vocals fit in great with the instrumentals. It needs a few more listens for me to really make a solid opinion on it. It isn't a bad song, but it doesn't stand out like some of the others do.

MH 4.18.2011:
Sounds like old blink. As always, Mark sounds great.

Love is Dangerous:
Their vocals mesh perfectly together. It's very much a balance between both of their styles. The drums don't stand out, and aren't lost in the background, either. It's a perfect marriage of 3.

Fighting The Gravity:
It's dark and electronic, which works perfectly with the dark lyrics. Bits of it remind me a bit of Asthenia, which is great, as it's one of my favourite songs they've done. It doesn't really stand out, but it's got a big sound and it's nice to listen to.

Even if She Falls:
A lot like old blink. The bass really stands out on this and sounds great. The vocals are good and the lyrics are great. Good ending to the record.

Over-all, they've made a very strong come-back. There are throw-backs to their classic sound, and they're also bringing new stuff into the mix. I feel that on the whole, it would have been stronger if there was more vocal contribution from Mark. It's very diverse and it wasn't repetitive. The songs that didn't really "stand out" were not bad or boring. I wouldn't remember them enough to put them on repeat, but I also wouldn't skip over them on shuffle. It's a very dark album, which makes sense since they're on a come-back from a quite public, seemingly rather harsh, break-up.

It's way more grown-up and mature than Enema of the State or Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, and picks up where their most recent album left off. Although it's grown up, it isn't all, "We have kids and this is how we feel being parents", it's still full of their always relatable, very real, lyrics. They certainly have not lost their touch.

Note: it pains me greatly to have to spell "neighborhoods" instead of "neighbourhoods".

Geek Rock Rebel

2011-09-12T14:54:00.004-04:00

I love Boomer. Okay?

He is best.

Also. I am in Texas. Where everything is bigger.

...especially the people, it seems.

Also. That is an ad for Macbeths. I am currently wearing a pair of Macbeths that I am borrowing from my roommate Geoff. I think I will buy them off him. I don't want to give them back... haha. They are amazing.

Also. Fucking hell, Mark and Tom are such goobers:

I Hope I Won't Forget You

2011-09-12T07:48:00.004-04:00

I love September 11th's. Excellent things always happen to me.

2009, Ewan McGreggor kissed me.
2011, I spent an hour and a half eye-fucking Tom DeLonge.

I sound like a frog. I'm in an aeroport without any underwear on. I'm hungry. It's cold. My [roommate's] shoes are falling apart. I have to go to Texas. I have to pee.

I don't care.

Last night was amazing. I get to go to the beach tonight.

Look at all the fucks I give > ...
Yup. None.
And no fucks were given that day.

Because. I saw my favourite band last night. I've been waiting 11 years for that night.

Also, Asthenia is such an underrated song. It is brilliant.

Please Don't, Actually

2011-09-06T03:19:00.003-04:00

This song is called "Stay Together For The Kids" which is nice, and all.
But really; please don't.

Having parents who are divorced is a million times better than having parents who argue fucking constantly.
Really. I would know.

Having parents who date other people is weird, fucked up, and gross... absolutely.
But it's still better than them fucking fighting all the fucking time.

If you can work through your shit and stay together, by all means, absolutely do.
But whatever you do... do NOT ever stay together for the kids. They will hate you for it.

Fish-Hooked

2011-09-03T23:19:00.002-04:00

Again.

Why did everything hurt so much more when I was 18?
Does a person's pain tolerance grow with age? It was high then. Now it's just ridiculous.
Is this a neurological problem?

My mouth is an homage.

I Still Love Alice

2011-09-03T05:44:00.003-04:00

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name.
That one time Carol and I saw Alice play at the state fair and it was free.
That other time I spent all day walking around Toronto looking for an Alice Cooper shirt.
That time David Granzotto played this song for me in his car on the way to school.

Bananas

2011-08-31T22:50:00.001-04:00

I like bananas.

I made a chocolate-banana smoothie earlier. It was delicious.

Things I Cry About:

2011-08-30T08:55:00.002-04:00

blink-182's break-up.
blink-182's reunion.

The second nullifies the first, and neither actually matter anymore as they both occurred years ago. However, I legit cry when either is brought up.

I think they're my favourite.

Really This Time

2011-08-26T02:01:00.002-04:00

Can I just say how excited I am to see blink in less than 3 weeks? Night of my life.

I get to see Tom. In the flesh. In the same building/arena/venue/whatever.

But really. Tom DeLonge. In person. With his eyebrows. And his butt.

The one he sticks out all the time? Yeah. That one. The one attached to him.

I'm going to be in the same place as it. Yup.

OH. ALSO.

I guess this happened:

Pet The Albums

2011-08-21T23:09:00.002-04:00

Ugh. I'm too excited to even brain.

I've accepted the fact that I am never going to Warped Tour.

And I thought, when they broke up, that I'd never get to see blink-182 because I'm an asshole and I keep missing their shows. Which is stupid. Because I fucking love them so much.

But now I have a ticket to go, so everything will be allright.

Anyway.

The point of this was to mention the first time I ever listened to them.

I love telling this story.

When I was 10, the only music I ever listened to was what my parents listened to, The Backstreet Boys, etc.; Spice Girls, etc.; and Britney Spears, etc.; as well as what was played on WNIC. Because that was the only radio station I'd ever heard in my life.

In music class, Bracken Merrit brought in Cheshire Cat, for us to listen to... so there were a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds sitting on the floor listening to Carousel. And It was the first time in my life I'd ever heard anything that could actually be classified as some form of punk. I found out what CD and band it was and straight away asked my parents for it. They never actually got it for me, but I kept asking. I don't know why they never got it for me. I really, really, really wanted it. Perhaps it was because it was pop-punk? Or maybe the parental advisory label scared them away.

Parental advisory labels are censorship of art and are therefore horrible and wrong.

Anyway, I used to go to Borders and every time we'd go, I'd go up to the music section and find where they kept the blink-182 CDs and I used to go through them and just look at them all and pet them. I wanted one so badly, but they all had parental advisory stickers on them, so I wasn't allowed to buy them, and my parents refused to get any of them for me. So I was stuck with stupid bubble-gum pop. I feel like I'd have grown up and gone to more fun shows earlier if I had been able to listen to blink-182 as a kid.

Also, I feel like I'd have been more awesome if my babysitter had let me listen to Nevermind when I was 7. Of course the only reason I wanted to listen to it was because of the naked baby on the cover. But still. It's a great album. I could have been a little grunge kid. But no. He wouldn't let me. I still don't know why. It's not profane or anything. I think censorship of inappropriate things for kids is stupid. You can tell all the sex jokes you want and they really will not have a fucking clue what the hell you're on about. Stuff like that is only inappropriate when you actually get the references and kids don't, so it's fine to let them watch stuff like that because they just won't think anything of it.

The first time I actually got to listen to more than Carousel was when I went to Molly Curry's house when I was 12. She had a lovely assortment of blink albums that we listened to while sitting on her floor and playing with her horses. It was a lovely moment for me.

At some point, I finally managed to acquire a copy of Cheshire Cat. I listened to that album over and over and over again. It remains one of my more cherished possessions. Others include my mother's charm bracelet, my great-great grandfather's cufflinks, Richard Kruspe's guitar pick that I got after the Rammstein show in Montreal last year, the signed Silverstein drum-head Kevin gave me after their 10th anniversary shows, my cast, and that picture of Travis Barker and I when I was 15. Obviously it's very important, if it's as important as all of those things. (Okay. I'm kind of exaggerating, here. It's not actually that important to me. But I do like it a lot!!)

I met Travis Barker at the airport when I was 15 and he was on my plane to LA. I didn't actually know who he was, to be honest, since the only album I had was Cheshire Cat and Scott was still their drummer on that one. After that, I started listening to their newer stuff because I finally figured out how to pirate music. And now I love them and I'm going to see them.

So yeah. That's my whole sordid history on my relationship, up until now, with blink-182. Who knows what will happen at their show?

Actually. I'm pretty sure of one thing that will happen. And that will be...

I'm definitely probably most likely going to cry.

All of my tears of joy ever.

Every Word

2011-08-21T15:51:00.002-04:00

I'm going to sing. So, so, so loud. To every single word I know.

11th of September, Two-Thousand and Eleven.
I'm coming for you, Tom, Mark, and Travis.

Hanging out behind the club, on the weekend.

Acting stupid, getting drunk with my best friends.

I couldn't wait for the summer and the Warped Tour.

I remember it's the first time that I saw her - there.

She's getting kicked out of school 'cause she's failing.

I'm kinda nervous, 'cause I think all her friends hate me.

She's the one, she'll always be there.

She took my hand, and I admit it I swear.

Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

She said "What?" and I told her that I didn't know.

She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window.

Everything's better when she's around -

I can't wait 'till her parents go out of town -

I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

When we said we were gonna move to Vegas -

I remember the look her mother gave us.

Seventeen, without a purpose or direction.

We don't owe anyone a fucking explanation.

Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.
She said "What?" and I told her that I didn't know.
She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window.
Everything's better when she's around -
I can't wait 'till her parents go out of town -
I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

Black and white picture of her on my wall.
I waited for her call, she always kept me waiting.
And if i ever got another chance, I'd still ask her to dance.
Because she kept me waiting.

Because I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

She said "What?" and I told her that I didn't know.

She's so cool, gonna sneak in through her window.

Everything's better when she's around -

I can't wait 'till her parents go out of town -

I fell in love with the girl at the rock show.

With the girl at the rock show.

I'll never forget tonight.

With the girl at the rock show...

- The Rock Show

Also. Is it just me, or is EVERY post lately about blink-182 in some way? Whatever. I love them. I'm also excited to get to see MCR. I really, genuinely enjoy their music. I always kind of liked them and listened to them, but Danger Days is seriously an amazing album!

Problems

2011-08-19T13:24:00.004-04:00

Adam's Song is difficult. It's the best song, but it's also a huge fucking bummer because it's about suicide. So it can be your favourite song, but it's so hard to express this. You can't jam to it at a party. You can't sing it at karaoke. You can't put it on a mixtape for a cute person. You can't post lyrics of it anywhere without people wondering about your mental state.

It has such a good rhythm to it.

The other problem is that if they'd put any other lyrics to the same music, it wouldn't have been the same at all. It's haunting. It's beautiful. It's sad.

Sad things are beautiful, I think. It's true, what they say. Pain is beauty. Not in that you have to wear awful blistery heels to look gorgeous. But in that art generally comes from people in pain. Pictures of sad people are so much more interesting than pictures of happy people. Sad indie songs are always better than those pop songs about sex and drinking. I like pictures of funerals better than I like pictures of weddings. Happy is so simple. It isn't interesting. It doesn't have anywhere near the same depth and beauty that pain does.

I will admit to identifying with one line of Adam's Song, in particular. That being, "I couldn't wait till I got home to pass the time in my room alone". But this is because I am a hermit.

My favourite line is, without a doubt, and always has been, "remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall". I don't know why. It's just so picturesque.

Also. Really. How foxy is Tom Delonge?
He's not really, anymore, because now he's old and his face got fat.
But ohman, he was scrumptious when they did this video. Do want.

Your Smile Fades In The Summer

2011-08-18T18:25:00.002-04:00

Are we alone, do you feel it?
So lost and disillusioned.

I really, really, really want to see blink-182 live, at some point.
They mean everything.

I never thought I'd die alone

I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?

I traced the cord back to the wall

No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time, I hurried up

The choice was mine, I didn't think enough

I'm too depressed, to go on

You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came

Sixteen just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone

Another six months, I'll be unknown

Give all my things to all my friends

You'll never set foot in my room again

You'll close it off, board it up

Remember the time that I spilled the cup

Of apple juice in the hall?

Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came

Sixteen just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait till I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

- Adam's Song.

Candleshoe

2011-07-28T18:14:00.002-04:00

When I was growing up, I was kindof obsessed with the movie Candleshoe. I seriously wanted to be Jodie Foster's character in that movie. What a tomboy badass.
Super crushing on her. She looked like this in 1977, in case you were wondering.

My friend said she looks like a 12 year-old-boy there.
I said, "Duh. I'm queer. Not a lesbian."

This Is Pointedly Directed At You

2011-07-24T17:48:00.002-04:00

I am not being subtle. I am being glaringly obvious.

I don't always know how to say how I feel or what I mean.

Sometimes I don't want to. I have such a big wall around me that I've spent years building up. I love my wall. I don't know how to be without it. I change the paint on it every so often, but it's always there. Layers and layers and layers thick. Miles high. Of course there's a gate, but it's a very small gate and doesn't open very often. I like this.

What I do not like is being metaphorically naked. Physically, yes, certainly. But I can't stand to have anyone see ME. Just look at my painted walls, instead. My carefully constructed citadel. It looks enough like me that when most people just glance, they're fooled and think I don't have walls. That I'm just an open meadow. But if you look close enough, the walls are always there and the gate is often shut. I don't open it for just anyone.

I do not like being naked. I do not like hooks being thrust into my chest, ripping away my skin and baring my heart for what it is. I know what it is. I know if it really is overly large and throbbing with blood and oversensitive nerves; or if it is black, shrivelled, cold, and dead. That I know is all that really matters to me. No one else needs to know. No one else needs to see me that naked. So I have my prettily painted walls. And I hide.

This isn't a hiding time, though. I just happened to go off on a slightly unrelated tangent. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I feel. So I'm going to let Russell Brand say it for me, instead. Straight from his blog. Unchanged. I mean every word as much as he did.

"For Amy

When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they've had enough, that they're ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it's too late, she's gone.

Frustratingly it's not a call you can ever make it must be received. It is impossible to intervene.

I've known Amy Winehouse for years. When I first met her around Camden she was just some twit in a pink satin jacket shuffling round bars with mutual friends, most of whom were in cool Indie bands or peripheral Camden figures Withnail-ing their way through life on impotent charisma. Carl Barrat told me that "Winehouse" (which I usually called her and got a kick out of cos it's kind of funny to call a girl by her surname) was a jazz singer, which struck me as a bizarrely anomalous in that crowd. To me with my limited musical knowledge this information placed Amy beyond an invisible boundary of relevance; "Jazz singer? She must be some kind of eccentric" I thought. I chatted to her anyway though, she was after all, a girl, and she was sweet and peculiar but most of all vulnerable.

I was myself at that time barely out of rehab and was thirstily seeking less complicated women so I barely reflected on the now glaringly obvious fact that Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they're not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil. Whether a homeless smack head troubling you for 50p for a cup of tea or a coked-up, pinstriped exec foaming off about his "speedboat" there is a toxic aura that prevents connection. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they're looking through you to somewhere else they'd rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.

From time to time I'd bump into Amy she had good banter so we could chat a bit and have a laugh, she was "a character" but that world was riddled with half cut, doped up chancers, I was one of them, even in early recovery I was kept afloat only by clinging to the bodies of strangers so Winehouse, but for her gentle quirks didn't especially register.

Then she became massively famous and I was pleased to see her acknowledged but mostly baffled because I'd not experienced her work and this not being the 1950's I wondered how a "jazz singer" had achieved such cultural prominence. I wasn't curious enough to do anything so extreme as listen to her music or go to one of her gigs, I was becoming famous myself at the time and that was an all consuming experience. It was only by chance that I attended a Paul Weller gig at the Roundhouse that I ever saw her live.

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie and Ella, from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened. Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I'd only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn't just some hapless wannabe, yet another pissed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a f**king genius.

Shallow fool that I am I now regarded her in a different light, the light that blazed down from heaven when she sang. That lit her up now and a new phase in our friendship began. She came on a few of my TV and radio shows, I still saw her about but now attended to her with a little more interest. Publicly though, Amy increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall. The destructive personal relationships, the blood soaked ballet slippers, the aborted shows, that youtube madness with the baby mice. In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent. This and her manner in our occasional meetings brought home to me the severity of her condition. Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.

Now Amy Winehouse is dead, like many others whose unnecessary deaths have been retrospectively romanticised, at 27 years old. Whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. It is not preventable today. We have lost a beautiful and talented woman to this disease. Not all addicts have Amy's incredible talent. Or Kurt's or Jimi's or Janis's, some people just get the affliction. All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn't even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call."

So there. That's that part that's directed straight at you. And now you know it. Because you already knew all about my walls. After all, you were the one who told me I had them.

Dead People

2011-07-23T19:02:00.002-04:00

So I guess Amy Winehouse just died and people are flipping their shit about it.

What about the Norwegians who got massacred today? Come on people. You need to sort out your priorities.

Anyway. Half the shit I see is "BLESS HER SHE WAS WONDERFUL" and the other half is kindof jokesy or like "She was a drug addict what about Norway?" And there's also people who are like, SHE WAS WONDERFUL DON'T SAY SHE WAS A DRUG ADDICT BLAH BLAH.

But like. She was a drug addict.

Not that that's a bad thing or whatever. Far be it from me to judge anyone on decisions they make which do not directly affect me. She could have been a junkie or straight edge and neither would really have made any difference to me.

So since she WAS a drug addict, why is it so bad now that she's dead to mention this?

My mother was annoying as all hell sometimes. She drove me insane and I wanted to kill either her or myself. Not always. But sometimes. When she was annoying me, that's totally how I felt. And I don't think it's wrong to say these things just because she's dead. I certainly said them when she was alive.

Teenagers are supposed to kindof hate their parents... right? Too bad she didn't last until I wasn't a teenager anymore. Oh well.

Anyway. The reason I can say these things and not feel bad is because even though she was annoying sometimes and drove me mental and I did just want her to go away, I can also recognise that I miss her driving me fucking insane. I'd give almost anything to have her back and being annoying as all shit. I miss wishing she'd go away and leave me alone.

If you can be alright with yourself saying something when someone is alive, you should sure as hell feel alright with yourself saying it when they're dead. If neither, just don't say it.

Sharks

2011-07-21T19:39:00.002-04:00

I love sharks.

I think they're SO fucking cool. They're really primitive and I love the way they look and they've been around forever. Hence my description of them as primitive.

I love Jaws. Although I think that actually has more to do with Richard Dryfuss and Steven Spielberg than it does with actual sharks.

Because come on, Richard was a fuckin' babe in that movie for sure.

And at the same time. They're absolutely fucking terrifying.

They're fish. That can smell blood. And eat people. And move fast as fuck through water.

People are designed to run away from land predators... water ones? Not so much. Which means that when a shark wants to eat you, you have very little chance of pulling off getting the fuck away from them. Which is scary as hell.

My Boyfriend Wouldn't Like It

2011-07-13T05:07:00.003-04:00

I always thought this was the most bullshit excuse to not do anything.

I can kind of understand:

it's illegal.
my parents would kick me out.
I don't want to.
it would probably kill us.

But really. Where's the fun in any of those reasons, anyway?

The only reason things are illegal is because a. they're too much fun to do b. they'll probably kill you. Which makes them even more fun and exciting. Adrenaline junkie much? Perhaps.

Anyway. One excuse I could never and will never understand is "my boyfriend wouldn't like it". How bullshit and cowardly is that?

Then again. I never really understood the point of having a boyfriend, either. But that's beside the point.

I can kind-of understand not doing something because of one's parents. But I always did things anyway because I don't care who you are: I don't care what you think. For example, here is a list of things I did that my parents disapproved of:

Getting my tongue pierced when I was 17. (I didn't bother asking because they always told me I wasn't allowed to have it done if I lived with them.)
Getting my nipples pierced a week later.
Getting my ears pierced multiple times after asking and having them say no. (That time was funny. I was 16, which is legal in Ontario to get pierced. So I asked if I could get my second holes done... and they said no. So I did it anyway because I was legally allowed to. I didn't even bother asking before getting my 3rd holes done.)
Getting tattoos. (I got all but one after I turned 18, so they really couldn't do anything but shake their heads anyway. What did they expect? I was always going to have tattoos.)
Dyeing my hair black. (This is dumb. For years my mother wouldn't let my dye my hair black because she thought it would look "witchy". I am partially Spanish and Native American, why on Earth would black hair look anything but natural on someone with my complexion? I did it anyway and it looked fine. Just like I always thought it would.)
Dyeing my hair weird colours. (I just kind of stopped asking after a while and did whatever I wanted.)
Wearing makeup.
Wearing short shorts and skirts.

Anyway, my point is that someone is always going to object to something about your appearance. But you're the only one who has to actually live with it, so why on Earth would you possibly adhere to what anyone else wanted you to look like? Then they get to choose how they look and how you look? That's not really fair, is it?

I have always thought that appearance is one of the biggest forms of self-expression and to repress someone by telling them how to look is just fucking terrible. I don't care if my son wants to dye his hair pink and wear skirts or if my daughter wants 6 holes in her lips and a tattoo on her face. It's not my body and therefore none of my business. I have never, ever thought that the appearance of a child would ever have any sort of reflection on a parent... which is what I have always thought was my parents' reason for not letting me get bits of metal put into my body a whole lot sooner than I did.

When I was 18, I had a zebra stripe mohawk, 4 lip piercings, and 2 tongue piercings. My bratty cousin came up to me at the Christmas party and said, "You look weird." My reply was "I am weird." At the most recent Christmas party, I looked less like a rebellious 18-year-old and more like a punk rock 20-year-old. By that, I mean, facially more normal but with a shit load more tattoos. And my cousin looks like Justin Bieber. I win.

Anyway, back to my point, which is that looking anyway to please anyone but yourself is bullshit. The one and only time I had a boyfriend who said anything about my appearance was when I was 17 and had to dye my hair back to brown for the school play. It had been bright orange. He didn't really want me to. I said "Oh well. Too bad. It's not up to you what I do with my hair." And that was it. No big deal.

Also. Definitely always listen to Chelsea Smile. I detested this song when I was 18 and now I fucking love it. Bring Me The Horizon isn't so bad. And Oli Sykes is hot.

Shane, etc.

2011-07-12T08:48:00.001-04:00

Silverstein, a photo by free underland on Flickr.

This one time I got an all-access media pass to SCENE fest in saint catharines the day before my 21st birthday. i took this picture of my buddy Shane. I like it.

Harry

2011-07-11T00:19:00.002-04:00

This is going to start off structured... and then just kind of fall apart as I remember things.

I was 8 the first time I heard of Harry Potter. It wasn't really a "thing" yet. I was in second grade and I was reading an article in one of those flimsy little monthly magazines that everyone used to get. I was reading an interview with Jake Lloyd, the kid who played young Anakin in the Phantom Menace? Yeah, anyway. He said his favourite book was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I'd never heard of it and I didn't go rushing out to buy it.

The next year, when I was 9 and in 3rd grade, my mum worked at the school book fair. Which, being the little book worm I always have been, was one of my favourite events of the year. Anyway, I think I was either "helping" or just being super nosey. I remember Harry Potter being sold out. I thought it was lame because everyone seemed to like it, so I refused to read it. How very rebellious of me. Anyway, I remember coming home one day to it sitting on the kitchen table for me. I probably rolled my eyes, but it was a book and I couldn't resist. I recall being immediately entranced by it.

I definitely had a crush on Severus Snape, just throwing that out there. And I've been obsessed with Lucius Malfoy since the second movie came out when I was 12. We have a deep love that you just wouldn't understand. I named our Thanksgiving turkey after him that year and I made everyone address it as such. "This is Lucius. You'll be eating him tonight. Say hello." Super fucked. Oh well. I'm lucky my parents indulged me.

I've been to all of the midnight premiers. Both movies and book releases. I've never dressed up per-say... but I dont usually wear entirely normal clothes, either. In line for the 4th book, I bought a stuffed moose. I named him Melville. I don't know where he went, which is sad because he was lovely.

I was 13 and on an aeroplane to Florida for my birthday when I read the bit in the 5th book where Sirius died. The summer I was 15, I was at theatre day-camp when the 6th book came out. It was 2 weeks long and the book came out on the weekend in between. On friday, I discovered I had been cast as the lead in the final play and that I was expected to memorise all of my lines by Monday. With Harry Potter coming out in between the two! So I read it in less than a day, then memorised my lines with the rest of the weekend.

When the seventh book came out, I spent a day and a half on the loveseat in the livingroom. I think it was one of the few times my mother just let me sleep in the livingroom. She always hated when I did that, but it was Harry Potter! The last one! So she let me. Thanks for that, since I know you read this. I think I read until just after Hedwig and Moody died and then I passed out. But I definitely cried when they died.

I've been to Platform 9 3/4 at King's Cross. I've been on a train across that bridge the Ford Anglia flies over in the 2nd movie. Chocolate Frogs are one of my favourite types of candy, but I have a special place in my stomach for Ice Mice. I have 2 of the unforgivables tattooed on my wrists. My friend said I'd regret them. I told her she didn't understand.

I was, and remain, disgustingly good at Harry Potter Quidditch World Cup for GameCube. Unless it's on the easy setting. Because then I suck since it's easy. That's always the worst. I put it on that for when I play people and they always beat me super easy. But then I put it on hard without telling them what I did so all of a sudden I'm sitting on them and smooshing their face into the mud of the Australia National Quidditch Stadium and they're wondering what the fuck happened because they had just beaten me. It's because playing on hard actually takes skills. I once played so much that my thumbs hurt for a week. I promise I'm sort of cool and social....

Anyway. I'm saying all of this because on Friday, the final movie comes out. Which is... y'know. Really sad. Since going to Harry Potter midnight premiers has been something I've loved doing forever. And this is the last one. :/

Little Booger

2011-07-08T00:47:00.002-04:00

When I was little, the highlight of my week was sneaking downstairs after my parents put me to bed and sitting in the living room while my parents watched ER and watching it from behind their backs. I thought I was so clever.
I don't even know why I liked it so much. Probably because I thought Carter was beautiful.

I remember the smallpox episode with the two kids. I think one died. I remember Dr. Green telling some dude he had some form of easily curable cancer and the guy freaking out and being like, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!!! and Dr. Green being all, I HAVE BRAIN CANCER. I WIN. I remember when there was a girl with a splinter or something and she was talking about constellations while Dr. Green took it out and she didn't even notice what he'd done.

I remember other things, but those stand out the most.

Queer

2011-07-04T03:52:00.002-04:00

It's strange being "queer". Which I am. By the way. In case I hadn't mentioned.
I don't think I have. But I am.

I don't fit into the LGBT community since they mostly insist upon keeping it "LGBT" and I suppose I wouldn't really feel like I fit even if it was LGBTQQ. Mostly since I pretty much pass as a straight girl. There's this whole sort of "GAY AND PROUD!" or "I know exactly where on the Kinsey Scale I fit into" thing going on with the LGBT community. There's this whole "you're either gay, straight, or bi" thing that goes on in most people's minds. I don't really fit. Not with the gays, and not with the straights. I don't even fit with males and females. I don't have a number on the Kinsey Scale that describes me.

Am I even making sense? I'm polysexual, panromantic, and genderqueer. If that makes more sense. Polysexual and panromantic imply that although I'm pretty much gender-blind when it comes to attraction and dating, I am not sexually attracted to all genders. However, since I am polysexual, it means I am sexually attracted to more than just one gender. And by that, what I mean is that I basically just like people with dicks. I don't care if it was there when they were born and I don't care if they have boobs along with it. I just like penis. Also, as for the genderqueer part, I don't identify as either gender all the time. I'm gender fluid, but I also sometimes identify as neither. I can't be a straight girl if sometimes I feel like a gay boy.

This past week was Pride week here in Toronto. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not gay, or if it's because I've never been made fun of for being queer, or what. But I don't really "get" pride. I guess it's a fun time, but aside from that I just don't really understand. Perhaps it is the total exclusion from any sort of group sexuality identification that I feel. Perhaps it is because no one with female genitalia has ever been persecuted for being attracted to people with male genitalia and so I don't really have the whole, "I want my rights!" thing going on. I could never be fired from a job for my sexual orientation. I can get married in every country of the world. I don't feel a particular sense of pride about my queerness. I don't want to tell everyone. I'm not ashamed or anything. To me it would be like running around telling people that I have an olive complexion. It's how I was born and is slightly obvious upon association with me but nothing Earth-shattering. It's probably also that I just don't identify with the gay community in any other sense than that I was raised by lesbians.

21

2011-06-27T02:00:00.001-04:00

Years old.

Right now.

...yup.

Being Vegan

2011-06-23T02:30:00.002-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with my diet/lifestyle choices.

This mostly stems from my soy allergy/intolerance.

"Wait. What? You're vegan and don't eat soy? How do you live? I thought you all only ate like... tofu and stuff."

In fact, I hate soy. I avoid it like the plague. In teeny-tiny-dip-your-veggie-sushi-in-the-soy-sauce quantities, it's fine. But I'm not about to have some tofu scramble for breakfast, or have a glass of soy milk with my vegan cookies, or have some soy-"beef" chili. Mostly because if I did, my body would hate itself for the rest of the day. I would adore being able to have soy yogurt with my cereal for breakfast. Or some chocolate soy ice cream with peanut chunks in it. Yum, right? Yeah... except for the soy part.

It sucks enough being a. lazy and b. vegan when grocery shopping for something you can just easily pop into the microwave and then eat. Which is gross, actually, but also super quick when you're exhausted or starving, which is nice. Being vegan is limiting enough, but then you factor in the fact that I don't eat soy and that throws half the "healthy lifestyles" section of the grocery store out the window.

So yeah, it's limiting and kind of annoying when all I really want is some fake'in or ice cream sandwiches.
But that's enough of the hate.

Like I first said, it's a LOVE-hate relationship, not an "I hate being vegan so I'm going to stop now" relationship.

I adore being vegan. It's one of my favourite choices that I've made. Right up there with reading Harry Potter, watching Doctor Who, and going to the London Dungeon with my mum when I was 16. Talking of, another excellent decision was buying that horribly unflattering picture of us on that ride at the end... even though my mum DEFINITELY specifically instructed me that I was, under no circumstances whatsoever to purchase that particular print. Of course I did anyway, far too hilarious. I don't regret this at all, and I also do not regret the fact that I still have it... even though she told me to cut her out of it and get rid of it. Wouldn't dream of it. Pretty sure that was about 5 years ago. How time flies.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about how much I love being vegan. Because meat is gross, cheese is creepy, and who the fuck would drink another animal's bodily fluids. Like really. Ew.

Meat is murder and dairy is rape... and I'm pompous as fuck. At least I can admit it. So yes. I do kind of think I'm a little better than you because I don't eat things that had the ability to scream while being murdered for your consumption. But y'know. Whatever.

Italian Food

2011-06-20T16:40:00.002-04:00

...I don't get it. Like. It's not horribly nauseating or disgusting or anything. It's acceptable and tasty enough... especially if you're actually in Italy. But I really don't understand the hoopla over Italian food.

I understand why people love Sorbetto and Gelato.

But I can't comprehend people's adoration for lasagna or tortellini or ravioli. Like I'll eat it if there's nothing else, but it isn't a thing I would ever choose.

My general revulsion for Italian food does not include desserts. Actually. I pretty much love every dessert ever unless it involves coffee or melon. Because I loathe both coffee and melon.

In addition to my lack of understanding where it comes to people's love of Italian food, I also fail to comprehend why people think English food is so sketch.

I happen to LOVE English food. I like beans on toast. I like full breakfast. I like black and white pudding. I even like Haggis. Which, although not actually "English", is "British", so I mentioned it anyway. I love offal. I love head meat.

This seemed to baffle the people I shared a house with in Katimavik. They didn't understand how I could worship haggis and black pudding but have never eaten more than a few bites of steak in my life. They also didn't really comprehend that as a vegetarian, they couldn't just make everyone a salad and say that it was my main course. I also don't understand their issues with the fact that they'd make some sketch vegetarian dish, and then i wouldn't eat it, and they'd get frustrated and pissy about it. But then again. I really don't do well with structure when it comes to food. I eat when I'm hungry. When I'm not hungry, I don't eat. When the food looks the opposite of appetising, I don't eat. When I feel fat, I don't eat.

But, in the category of things that I will ALWAYS eat: asian food. Every single time. I love Asian food. I love Thai. I love Chinese. I love Japanese. I just love, love, love any sort of Asian food.

So if you want me to eat, no matter what, feed me Asian.

I can never resist.

Shit Disturber

2011-06-15T15:58:00.002-04:00

I just remembered that when I was 18, I'd go visit my mother in her retirement home/condo/thingywhatever, and I'd always convince her to let me use her motorised wheelchair.

And like the little shit-disturber that I have always been, I'd be zooming around at top speed wreaking havoc on the elderly who lived there.

It was fucking awesome.

...until they gave her a memo telling her not to let me do that anymore. Bummer.

Je Ne Regrette Rien

2011-06-13T00:53:00.002-04:00

I keep trying to find a regret about leaving Alberta 5 weeks early.
...And then I think for about half a second, and come to the conclusion that no, I'm glad I left exactly when I did.

I missed the no-trace excursion.
But let's be honest here, did I actually want to spend a week trapped at some camp site with all my roommates? Did I actually want to climb some sort of mountain? Did I actually want to spend nights freezing my ass off surrounded by insects?
Of course not.

I missed the "reunion" with all the other groups.
But I'm pretty okay with that one, seeing as it would have involved having to see and/or hang out with someone I would have felt super awkward around. You know? Because there's just those things that happen sometimes, where you're like, well that was fun for a weekend, but now I don't really ever want to see you again so that I don't have to deal with any of the bullshit that would come with it.

I missed riding a brakeless death-trap bike up and down a giant hill and then hauling a watering can around twice a day.
Yeah, I'm not even going to pretend on that one. Why would I possibly miss that? Apart from getting to read in the sun, which was nice, but I can do that from my front steps anyway. Or a park. Or anywhere outside in Toronto. Like the beach. Because there's a beach here. And a lake. And y'know... stores.

I missed going out and drinking with my roommates on weekends.
Oh... wait no. I don't do that one anyway.

I recall at one point, one of my roommates told me that everyone was kinda bummed out that I stayed in my bed a whole bunch and would rarely come hang out with them outside of forced group activities. She said, "y'know, we kind of like you." And I'm sure that's nice and everything, but being home the past few weeks have made me realise somethings. Firstly is that I actually really, really didn't like most of my roommates. By that, I don't mean I hated all of them, because quite honestly, I really did completely detest four of them. Another, was okay when not being annoying, but when she was annoying me, it was like my insides turned to hellfire and I hated her in those moments more than I hate Mark David Chapman all the time. There were three that I actually really liked as I either just kinda gelled with them, or they gave me enough fucking space to breathe. But then one of them went home, which sucked. The others... they weren't godawful, but I wouldn't hang out with them if given a choice.

We did an exercise, the Friday night before I left, about roles in a group. We did this thing where we had to pretend to be all these different roles, like the nice guy, or the bully, or the clinging vine, etc. Then, because the mosquitoes were getting unpleasant, we went back to the house and did another exercise in the living room where we had to pick the roll that we saw ourselves as or that we liked playing the best and felt most comfortable in. All of my roommates picked to be either the "nice guy" or the "compromiser". I picked "the calculator". The calculator is interested in everything they care about being perfect, correcting people when they're wrong, not actually giving a shit what other people think about them, and other such things. Sound familiar? If you know me at all, it should. Most people will do anything to get people to like them. I really don't care. I only like people who like me. But that's like a square is a rectangle. People who like me are rectangles. I like squares. Meaning I don't like everyone who likes me, but everyone I like likes me. Anyway, back to this story about exercises. My roommates were all playing nice. Which was super awkward... because really, they're not like that. The one I liked a whole bunch, but left 3 months in, was like that. They also aren't very good at acting. It was all fake and plastic. They ended up all sitting together on one couch. I was sitting on the couch adjacent and they kept asking if I'd come sit with them. There were like 9 people on that couch. 9 people I'd had more than enough of. Of course I stayed on my own couch and politely declined.

I don't understand why people don't seem to understand the concept of "no". You don't have to ask more than once if you get declined. No is an absolute. If someone says 'no', it isn't because they're unsure. It isn't because they think you can convince them. It isn't because they mean 'yes', or 'keep asking'. It's because they mean no. Or at least, that's what should happen. People should be direct and absolute. Even if they are unsure, they should say 'I'm not sure', which is both direct and has some sort of absolution to it in that they are certain they cannot determine if they mean yes or no at the present time.

The reason I mention the above, is because a day or so earlier after a meeting, there was some sort of hug business in which we all had to hold hands, and then someone started to roll into the middle and it turned into some sort of person roll thing. For some very strange reason, it was decided that I should be in the middle of this, being the first person to roll in. Have these people met me and spent 5 months living with me, or not? Why on earth would anyone possibly think I would want that? I said, "no". And there was literally 3 minutes spent trying to get me to be in the middle. I thought it would have been quite clear by then that I am the exact sort of person who doesn't do anything she doesn't want to. I actually can't remember the last time I did something I genuinely did not want to. I'll do things I find unpleasant. And things I'd rather not do. But I don't do anything I do not want to do. And I'm pretty much the most stubborn person ever, so good luck trying to make me do anything. Therefore, it was rather surprising to me that not only did they keep asking after I said no the first time, but they somehow actually believed that I would relent at some point. "Guys, she's not going to do it." Fucking duh? What part of no, did they not comprehend?

Anway. The point is that I don't regret going, I don't regret not staying, I dont regret being a calculator and not putting on a front to make them like me. Because honestly, I don't mind group activities. I don't mind volunteer work. I don't mind having to share a room if my bed is surrounded by curtains. But for the love of, if I'm not required to be with you, leave me the fuck alone.

Disturbed

2011-06-04T07:31:00.002-04:00

There are few movies that actually disturb me. And by "few" I'm going to say along the lines of three?

There's "Being John Malkovitch" which I found disturbing as a 13 year old... or however old I was when I saw it. There must be another that I find disturbing. And the third is one I literally just got finished watching. I really don't feel like dignifying it with its name, though. It was horribly unnerving and the fact that it was made, offends me. Although it was well made, it was an absolutely vile film and I'm going to stop thinking about it now because it doesn't deserve as much as a brain wave from me.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Music Tastes

2011-06-02T00:56:00.002-04:00

When I was growing up, I listened to whatever my parents were listening to on the radio, the cassette tapes I owned, and The Beatles. I think it was like this until I was about 7 or so and the Spice Girls came out. Everyone at school listened to them and they were on the radio, and they were brilliant. I still think they're... well. Entertaining to listen to, for sure. Anyway, I think the Spice Girls "Spice" was the first CD I actually personally owned. And it all just sort of went downhill from there. I think out of anyone I grew up around, I probably had the biggest CD collection of anyone. It's massive and despite the fact that I rarely buy CDs nowadays, it is still growing. I even have 3 new things to put into it from the time I left it in Michigan, until now that I'm back in Toronto. This doesn't even touch my DVD collection which is the most ridiculous ever, but this is about music, so we won't get into that.

Anyway, I guess when I was about 11 or so I discovered the magical wonders of MTV and music that my parents had never heard of, which was great. It was also around that time that I discovered the internet in terms of listening to music. But... y'know, barely. This was only 2001 mind you. When I was 12, I saw Switchfoot on VH1 and thought their singer was cute, so I had my mother take me to see them at the then State Theatre. And honestly, I don't care what you say, to me, it will always be that and never The Fillmore. Fuck The Fillmore.

When I was 15, my mom and I went to see The Rolling Stones at Comerica Park. Not because I liked them... but because they were famous as hell and I had never been to a show like that. I walked out a fan. Liking them, meant I went and looked up other bands they had played with and sounded like. And later that year was my first foray into early punk rock. That being, my obsession with Sid Vicious and the Sex Pistols. Subsequently, I did my end of year English paper on the influences of punk rock in today's music and subcultures. Which was fun as hell and led me to yet more bands I now adore.

I don't remember the first time I saw Billy Elliot, but it was love at first sound wave for glam rock and I. T.Rex remains one of my favourite bands to this day.

An obsession with all things English led me to The Clash, and the fact that half my high school friends were in ska bands, led to my love of ska. So I guess a lot of music I came across was from being influenced by my friends and movies. Another thing about my music in high school was I had a crush on this boy named Greg... who is pretty much an encyclopaedia for movies and music. So I'd stay up late talking to him about Spoon and They Might Be Giants, while he stayed up late talking to Hillary about who knows what. So then she'd go to bed, so he'd go to bed, and then I'd go to bed because no one else was online at 3am. And then we'd all be tired in photography class the next morning. How I adored high school. Dear God.

Having a car was my in to the world of hardcore/screamo/whatever. When I was 18, I knew nothing of the scene except there was screaming and I didn't listen to it, and the girls had crazy hair that I wanted. My friend Libby wanted to go see Chiodos. I had never heard of them, but I liked shows, so I told her I'd totally drive her. This small decision pretty much changed my life. So we went to the show, and stood in the front row, and my mind was pretty much blown. I literally and legitimately have not been the same since.

I looked up all the bands, went to see them in different places on different tours with other bands, and from there, my knowledge of the scene and of the bands that played within the genre, exploded. I looked up all the bands I saw, listened to their music, listened to who they toured with, checked out their influences, and pretty much built it up from there.

And now I have the most insane taste in music ever. Right now, I'm listening to The Monks, but as soon as I'm finished, I'll be listening to Paint It Black.

But then, you'd know this if you saw my last.fm.

There's a whole bunch more to this story, but I'm tired of typing it without letting my arms rest on my laptop, or my laptop rest on my lap... so I'm just going to leave it at that.

Reading... or, Why I Wish I Lived In England Right Now

2011-06-01T10:06:00.002-04:00

Summer music festivals are a staple for anyone in the whole... "scene" as it were. And even people who aren't regularly included in said group.

I, personally, have never attended a summer music festival. Ever.

I've been to shows all over, but I've never been to Warped, The Bamboozle, Bonnaroo, SXSW, Coachella, SCENE, or, awkwardly enough, NXNE. (However, I can scratch NXNE off my list in a few weeks as it takes place here in Toronto, and I am [hopefully] going to at least a few shows. Also, SCENE in St. Catherine's for my birthday in late June.)

Never having been able to attend any of the above, it is my dearest and sincerest wish to go to some of the European summer music festivals. Namely Reading Festival, and Rock Am Ring, in Germany. Exclusively for their brilliant lineups...

Reading 2011:
My Chemical Romance, Bring Me The Horizon, New Found Glory, The Strokes, The National, Jimmy Eat World, Muse, Enter Shikari, Frank Turner, Taking Back Sunday, The Naked And Famous, Jane's Addiction, Crystal Castles, OFWGKTA, Panic! At The Disco, Best Coast, Fucked Up, DRUGS, Does It Offend You, Yeah?, Comeback Kid, Boysetsfire, Title Fight, Descendents, Flogging Molly, and Hot Water Music.

Rock Am Ring 2011:
Kings Of Leon, DeadmatInu5, Interpol, The Gaslight Anthem, Plain White T's, The Pretty Reckless, August Burns Red, All That Remains, Disturbed, Bring Me The Horizon, Hollywood Undead, Escape The Fate, System Of A Down, Simple Plan, Silverstein, and Frank Turner.

So tired of living on this continent. Get me somewhere better with more culture, please?

Summertime Forever

2011-05-29T03:45:00.002-04:00

June is just a few days away and I couldn't imagine myself being more excited for the summer. I can already tell this one is going to be amazing. Last summer in North America for... well, hopefully a long while.

I'll spend most of the earlier half of the month longboarding around, playing my bass... roller skating... the usual. David comes home on the 18th or something. I can't wait; I haven't seen him since the day I left for Alberta in January. We will have SO much fun and shenanigans. Hopefully I'll visit Michigan, pick up Otto dearest, and make cupcakes with Eva as test trials for her wedding deserts.

At some point, I need to acquire this lovely item because a. it's fashionable, b. Cézanne was smart, and c. great things can be done with small objects. Of course I also want the saying as a tattoo, but that comes later. Right now, I just want a new jumper.

I want to go to SCENE fest in St. Catherine's on the 26th for my birthday... and then perhaps go visit Chris in Brooklyn once I've actually turned twenty-one. Just kill me now because that sounds SO old!!! I promised Simon and Christina I would visit them in Quebec so I need to get out to Montreal at some point. Preferably after Isa gets home. I really, really need to go back to Aux Vivres and get a few more of their vegan BLTs because they're better than oxygen. ...And talking of Katimafriends getting home, Anelia and I promised each other we would go to This Is London together at some point.

I need to get my ass on to getting a Canadian passport so that I can submit a visa application in time to leave in November. Luckily, I started that when I was in Canmore and most of my application is already filled out, so I just have to a little extra work on that which shouldn't be too complicated.

In July, I want to go back to California, because I guess I just like it there in July? I'll have to go back to San Francisco and hang out in the Haight some more as I really liked it there. I'll also need to actually visit the Castro, the Tenderloin, and Alcatraz as I didn't actually make it out last time I was there. I want to go back to the Mission and get some of that amazing Tartine bread, so I'll have to get there early because I know they sell out fast! And while I'm in the Mission, I'll have to go back to the Mission Bicycle shop because it's pretty much my favourite bike shop in the world.

I'll definitely be bringing my surf board and going down to Santa Cruz. I need to get some quality beach time and surf mornings in. My mother is in that water now, so I'll be that more inclined to stay in it longer. I can't miss the boardwalk or Mexican food up in Boulder Creek. I should definitely have some cousin hang time with Clarissa because she's like 12 or something crazy like that now, and she's really cool. I'm pretty much stoked to see everyone though.

Eva is getting married in August so I'll be back in Michigan for that. I'm super excited. Genevieve and I are making cupcakes for the wedding which should be great... I'm so crazy about cupcakes, I'm already looking up recipes to try out.

I'm also really, really, really excited about September. I gauged the approximate cost of staying in hostels around the American south for the whole month and it's about the same as rent would be, a bit more, perhaps, but what is saving up for, after all? My plans are to spend a week in Nashville and Memphis each, some days in Georgia or Arkansas, a week in New Orleans, and the rest of the month in Austin. The south is really the only place I haven't been yet, so I'm really excited for it.

I have no idea what I'm doing for October, but I fully intend to jet off to London, England in November. Hopefully, anyway. G and I will have a grand old time, I'm sure. And talking of London, if I really do love it so much, I'll take a leaf out of his book and go to school there. I'm thinking theatre with a minor in photography. I always did like the arts more than anything practical. I'm really, really excited about living in Europe.

The Summer Room

2011-05-19T22:22:00.003-04:00

Toronto in the spring is wonderful. Toronto in the summer is wonderful. Toronto in the fall is wonderful.

I get to spend my whole summer until September in the most glorious room. It's right in the middle of Parkdale, which means it's close to hip hang outs, close to the beach, close enough to the city center, close to no frills, close to a shopper's, close to the library... pretty much close to everything worth being close to. Which is why I love Parkdale so, so much. When I first moved to Parkdale in 2009, I didn't really even notice anything because it was getting cold out and I was busy. Once it got warmer and I became less busy, I noticed what a fucking fabulous neighbourhood I was living in. Naturally, when I got back from Alberta, I refused to live anywhere else. Why on earth would I want to? Cheap rent and all the above listed perks of living here... forget about anywhere else.

So anyway, suffice it to say, I'm pretty fucking stoked.

There's a nice sunny window with a quaint garden view. A wardrobe and dresser, which are a VERY nice change from living out of two suitcases squished under my bed + a large pile of clothes IN my bed. A desk, room for my bags to be hidden away, and it's about the same size as my old apartment with a nice big bathroom next door, and a good sized kitchen just up stairs. And I get a porch! And I don't have any psychotic drunk neighbours who will throw things at the walls and scream out the window at 7am. Fuck that dude. Seriously.

I shall now lounge in the gloriousness that is my summer flat.
Good night, and good luck.

I should totally see that movie, shouldn't I?

Also.

I bought Walk The Line yesterday.
I've spent forever in a coma of the deliciousness of Joaquin.

Johnny Cash; Underwear

2011-05-18T02:17:00.002-04:00

Basically.

I'm celebrating the fact that I can once again walk around in a thong and tank top without anyone flipping their shit saying I'm inappropriately appareled.

I'm celebrating the fact that I can once again do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want.

I'm celebrating the fact that I, once again, am home.

<3 Hello Toronto. It's nice to be back.

And tomorrow, I'm going downtown to finally buy Walk The Line. Because no video shop in Canmore had it.

However, I do still mourn the fact that I was away during every opportunity to see Rammstein.
Fuck my life. They mean absolutely EVERYTHING to me.

So close when we were in Edmonton on the same nights... but could I go see them?

Of course not.

Europe. In Europe, I can.

I Wasn't Going To Say Anything

2011-05-03T00:21:00.002-04:00

... but seriously? All this business about Osama Bin Laden is such bullshit.

People are celebrating that he got killed.
As if he was at all still relevant.

This hasn't been about Al Qaeda for a long time. And even if it was, there is more than just one person in it and behind things.

If this REALLY was going to make ANY difference at all, wouldn't soldiers be getting pulled out of the Middle East??
Yes.

And are they??
No.

Which means that this makes no difference to anything. Cool. Osama Bin Laden can't plot any more terrorist attacks.
It doesn't mean no one else isn't going to.

People are celebrating and chanting "USA!" in the streets, or so I hear.
How embarrassing.

He's being compared to Hitler.

How absolutely ridiculous. He was a fucking terrorist. He occasionally orchestrates mass murders to get a rise out of people.

Adolf Hitler managed to become chancellor of one of the most powerful European countries, take over most of Europe, convince enough of a country that genocide was the way to go to make Germany a better place to live, actually go through with widespread genocide, cause a World War, etc. Plus he had a whole bunch of nasty associates to play with. (I'm sure Bin Laden also has many of these, but I don't know their names)

You can't claim that Bin Laden started a war, because that probably wasn't his intent. I'm going to blame that one on the government of the United States. Way to go. By the way. On that one. Yeah.
Not really.

Hitler, on the other hand, wanted to take over the world, and would start a war over it if necessary. He ordered the ethnic cleansing of millions of people, and then caused a war, which killed tonnes of other people.

Added together, I'm sure the death toll far surpasses however many people were killed in acts of terror.
Not including suicide bombers themselves, of course, because if you really want to die killing other people, that's your problem.

ANYWAY.
I'm in Southern Alberta right now. On a farm. Just until Wednesday, though.
I can see Montana from the barn.
Chief Mountain (or something) in Glacier National Park.

Underland

2011-04-16T20:21:00.002-04:00

When I was little, whenever I would get sick and have a fever, I'm not sure if it was NOT taking my ADHD medicine... or because I DID take it... but I used to have the same dream over and over again, as well as other night terrors and hallucinations when I was awake. I distinctly recall a specific instance when I was in my parents bed, and my mother was with me, and I was certain there were buggly little machines crawling across the bedspread doing their own little jobs. I don't remember if I thought they were terrifying or not... I can still see them in my head.

My mother kept telling me they weren't there, but I couldn't sleep because I could feel them, and when I'd open my eyes, I could see them, as well.

To this day, when I am sick, I still get this weird jittery feeling when I'm lying in bed. I don't think I have the hallucinations anymore, but I do still have "the dream". It's my sick dream. I always know I'm actually sick when I have it.

It's like I'm two people at once, sitting in a house looking faaaar across some sort of open space into the other house, at myself. One of them is alone in an empty house, and the other is in a house full of people with buzzing chatter going on. It just keeps switching perspectives.

ANYWAY. I think I probably blog about this every time I feel at all sick, but whatever. Whenever I am sick, I always watch Alice In Wonderland. It somehow makes me feel better because it's mad anyway, and when I get sick, my brain goes a bit... round the bend, really.

It's Alice time.

In other news, since I'll make this not a completely pointless post...
Today we went to the Nordic Centre and went cross country skiing. Which was kind of like torture. I did pretty all right for the most part, but when I was returning my skis, I had a ridiculously clumsy moment and slipped on the concrete of the rental centre. My knee hurts sooo bad now and I dropped both my skis and poles and ended up in a ridiculous sprawl across the entry way. The staff laughed at me and said I was awesome. I was like, "oh gee, thanks." But honestly, I definitely would have done the EXACT same thing if it had been someone else.

Blogger is really dropping the ball on the ease of updating thing... It's so slow lately! It makes me want to never update here... but I've had this blog forever, so I shouldn't stop now. It's the most faithful I've ever been to any sort of blog or diary in my life.

I feel like shit, so I'm going to watch Heston's Alice feast, and then actually watch Alice, at which point I will probably pass out half-way through.

Wild Hearts

2011-04-08T04:20:00.003-04:00

Guess I was pretty shit at updating in March. Oh well. It was mostly because blogger was being a fucking dick and I kept losing patience instead of waiting for it to get its shit together.

Anyway. I guess I've been busy doing things. Work. Reading. Whatever else.

What I really wanted to blog about was music. I was watching this video, because I came across it on a website, not youtube, and decided to watch it.

Every second of every song I listen to, my life is changing. The way I listen, the way I think. Everything. It's all just in a constant state of flux because of music. It's kindof amazing.

One of the great things about music, is that, you're always listening to someone who is in love with what they do. How can they not be if they struggle so much to be able to create it?

My point is, music is beautiful. And it teaches me things every day.

Also. Go look at this. She just updated it, and her photography is always beautiful.

Things I Miss

2011-03-20T20:46:00.002-04:00

The CN Tower at night.
Living alone.
Hour-long showers.
Sleeping in until however.
The waterfront.
Otto der Teufel (my bike).
Loud music all the time.
Living alone.
Spending all day in bed.
Walking around naked.
Not doing dishes.
Not cleaning. Ever.
Doing whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want.
Changing my mind from being vegan, to vegetarian, to omnivore, and back, whenever I fucking want to and no-one saying shit about it.
Riedel (my bass).
Living alone.
Sleeping in the same bed as my bestfriend, whenever.
No one bossing me around in my own house.
Not being constantly overdoing everything.
Not being constantly exhausted.
Legends of Karaoke on Monday nights at Sneaky Dee's.
Parts & Labour.
Living alone.
David.
Spending all day just me and my vibrator. :P
Spending all day just riding my bike.
Booster Juice.
Not running into my students' mothers at karaoke.
Warm weather.
Sleeping on a shitty futon mattress on the floor.
My Holga.
Living alone.
Big cities.
Zooming off to NYC whenever I want.
Vegan restaurants.
Actually good vegan food.
Living alone.
All my friends.
Living alone.

Calgary [is Gross]

2011-03-20T20:36:00.000-04:00

Alberta is generally gross. The Rocky Mountains are nice... but let's be honest here, they really belong in BC instead.

Legendary

2011-03-04T02:15:00.003-05:00

I want to go to Legends of Karaoke at Sneaky Dee's on Monday night with David.

Unfortunately, I can't. Seeing as the only Monday night karaoke within walking or biking distance is at "The Drake".
And I don't mean the hip one on Queen West.

They don't even have Katy Perry.

-----

In other news, E and O from Mrs. D's first grade seem to think that they are monkeys and I am some sort of climbing pole or tree. Go ahead and hug me, but you're 6 and I reserve the right to put your leg up on me for people who are at least 18 so that I don't feel like a creep without even being the creepy one.

Another note about the hugging... feel free to hug me once when you first see me, and once before you or I leave. Maybe a hug for when something either shitty or awesome happens. Although the awesomeness can be substituted for a high-five instead, which I much prefer. Yes I like hugs, but it's really not necessary to cling onto me like I'm about to disappear. I'm not going anywhere at 2pm. Stop worrying so much.

A - you don't have to ask me how to spell EVERYTHING. It's okay to guess... and also, just so you know... my name is Danii, not Denise.

C, H, C - you've seen my inner lip tattoo. You know it's there. I know you know it's there since I've showed it to you twice. You don't have to keep asking to see it. It's a tattoo. It stays there and doesn't go away.

MG - I know you don't know my name. But it's okay because I find it highly amusing when you call me Deena.

The most irritating thing that has happened to me in a long time was the other day when there was a sub for the librarian. I love the library. I spend my first half-hour of work there, behind the desk. I get to check in books, check out books, look shit up for kids, stare at the taxidermy. Fun stuff like that. It's super relaxing and gets me ready for the day. I've been doing it for weeks now, and even got to play librarian and be a sub all day once... so basically I know what I'm doing and I have my own system...

Which is why it was really fucking frustrating for me when the sub came in and tried to tell me how to do my job. I'm the constant, you're the variable... do your own job. And if you don't need my help, tell me and I'll just go straight to first grade instead. I don't NEED to be here if there's nothing for me to do. I like checking out books even when the inbox is full. I am entirely aware of the fact that some of the kids have books they've just returned... which is why I ask them if they have or not when a warning pops up.

Unlike you, the last time I was a student in a library was 3 years ago. I remember how fucking annoying it is to have to wait for a librarian to do shit when you just wanna get your book and go back to class. Hence my reason for waiting for a lul in students before I go ahead and check in all the books.

You don't have to tell me that "Kathy ALWAYS has a system where she puts the books in order on the cart" since that really isn't what is happening. The books don't get put in order on the cart. Putting something in order implies that it is either in alphabetical or numerical order... so when I told you that, "no... she doesn't." I was, in fact, correct. There is no order for books on the book cart.

However, they do get sorted according to junior or easy fiction, and non-fiction. Sorting ≠ putting in order. You put them in order on the shelves. It was also annoying that you did this since sorting the books and putting them on the cart is what I do when there's a lag in students and I've got fuck all else to do, instead of sitting unhelpfully and doing nothing at the desk.

Seriously. I have done YOUR exact job of subbing as librarian. I do know what I'm doing and since I do this every single day, I have my own system that I don't need you fucking up.

And then, to ask in that condescending tone, "are we having a communication problem?" like I'm some insolent fourteen-year-old who just happened to wander in. Really. What the fuck. "Noooo........ I don't thiiiink sooooooo...." dripping with attitude. What other answer could I possibly give. You're treating me like a child when I'm just doing the same job that I do every single day... and then to tell me that "I've been doing this a very long time" when I haven't once seen you in this library and I've been in it every day for the past two months? Like really. Get a fucking grip and come down off your shitpile pedestal.

I am not an idiot. I am not a child.

I am a ridiculously intelligent and clever bibliophile who happens to have quite a bit of common sense and is, since you clearly failed to notice, and adult. Just because you're like thirty years older than I am does not mean that you get to treat me with disrespect. Or that I even owe you any respect since you didn't treat me with any and wouldn't let me do my job...

What the fuck even.

/rant. /pissed.

Not Down

2011-02-27T02:48:00.002-05:00

I don't like small towns.
I don't like cold weather.
I don't like Alberta.
I don't like mountains.
I don't like living somewhere without large bodies of water.
I don't like having to wear clothes all the time.
I don't like it here.

I want to go back to Toronto.
This isn't my deal. I'm not a fan.

I tried it.
I don't dig it.

I want to come home.

Tonight We Feel Alive

2011-02-25T14:03:00.001-05:00

Yo Ho A Pirate's Life For Me

2011-02-23T20:32:00.001-05:00

I remember once upon a time I used to ask for CDs at Christmas and for my birthday.

Yeah. That doesn't happen anymore... seeing as I just download an average of 4 CDs per week.
Depending on the week.

It gets up to 20 or so in a day.

Smuggery

2011-02-23T20:02:00.002-05:00

There's a certain undeniable smugness you feel when you ~~lose~~ get rid of your virginity. When it's over, no matter if it's good or hurt so much you bit your boyfriend in the face, there's the same sort of glowy feeling you get. A little less pristine. A little less sixteen candles, a little more "touch me".

And then there's just the smug, "Yeah. I just fucked."

Everything about the above picture reminds me of that exact smuggery I felt for a straight week after I got laid for the first time once upon forever ago.

And then I definitely get a smuggy face when thinking about somethings like that. I love smuggery.

Toronto

2011-02-22T18:11:00.001-05:00

...it's becoming just some place I once lived.

Where is home?

I'm So Blogging This...

2011-02-20T20:02:00.003-05:00

Last night I was supposed to stay with my roommate in a charming little bed and breakfast in Banff.

Now, if you know anything about me, you probably (should) know about my ridiculously severe vomit phobia.
If someone vomits in my vicinity, I will vacate the area while having severe panic attacks: hyper ventilating, crying, and shaking uncontrollably.

Suffice it to say, I don't do barf.

Anyway.

I went to bed at 11 or 12 and my roommate was still out doing whatever.

He came home past 1am, woke me up, then went and started puking in the bathroom because apparently he drunk himself into oblivion or whatever.
I told myself I was being paranoid and hearing things.

At 2:30, I really couldn't hold myself together anymore, so I quickly packed up my things, called a cab to take me back to Canmore, and went outside the B&B.

On my way, I had to step over my semi-coherent roommate who was sprawled on the floor of the hallway, shirtless, upper half in the bathroom, legs in the hall. What even.

"Can't sleep. Gotta go. Take the bed. Byeeeee!!!!"

And I was gone. I spent the night at a hostel in Canmore which was mega and way more relaxing.

Joel

2011-02-20T19:03:00.002-05:00

When I was 13, there was Joel.

I was working as prop crew for the community theatre production of Tom Sawyer and he was playing Injun Joe.

I've always had a thing for the villains.

He was 18, 6+ feet tall, and had long hair. And was an ACTOR. Which is always attractive until you realize what flakes most actors are.

When I was 13, I looked significantly older than I was. Like... 15 or 16 at least. It was probably the tits.

Anyway, I saw him at the auditions and decided he was yummy and that I wanted him... which was probably mostly because he was 18 and I knew I couldn't have him because there was no way someone like that would want someone like me.

SO... I did the whole flirty thing during rehearsals. The shy, lame 13 year-old-girl, flirty thing. The one that isn't charming and never works and people think is just cute because you're just a little girl. The "oooh she wants to talk to you!!!" but then run away when he comes over... yeah. I was lame. I'm still lame. Whatever.

Eventually we did start talking. And I guess he rather liked me, because he'd come up behind me and stand right against my back while entwining his fingers with mine.

At which point I decided that he was severely creepy because after all, I was just 13 and he was 18 and that's gross. Never mind the fact that I currently have an enormous embarrassing crush on a guy who is 6 years older than me. But I was just 13, so it was weird and creepy.

So after that I avoided him. And ever since then I have been aware of the fact that I only want what I can't have, and once I can, it's not so much fun anymore.

Suffice it to say, I'm doomed in terms of relationships.

Alice

2011-02-16T00:21:00.004-05:00

I hate being sick.
But I love that when I am, all I can think about is Alice in Wonderland.

My friend Simon got me a white rose, a red rose, and white wildflowers for Valentine's Day.
All I can think of is painting the roses red.

It's the best.
+ I picked up Alice's Adventures in Wonderland today at the school library while I was playing librarian. It was way better than having to read it as the pdf. file I've got of it on my computer.

Things I Thought Would Be Awesome When I Was Seven:

2011-02-10T02:33:00.002-05:00

Growing up
Living alone
Having a cast

Things that actually are awesome:
Living alone

Things that are pretty shit:
Growing up
Having a cast

It's blue. In case anyone wondered.

Splinter

2011-02-07T15:30:00.002-05:00

I have a chunk of metal wrapped around my thumb/wrist.
Last wednesday, I was on my way home from school/work and I slammed my hand into the side of a metal truck when I slipped on some ice. Ouch.
Then, on Thursday, I fell on said same hand while skiing because I'm kinda fail at skiing across ice on a steep mountainside. (However, I fucking rule at snowboarding)

It's quite handy and keeps my thumb protected... but is also ridiculously annoying. I should re-wrap it.

In other news, Gord(on Bombay) and I (Danish) get to stay home this week and cook for everyone else. Today we're making icecream and we're getting a new house mate. He's called Terry and internet creepery has led us to believe that he's from Malta or something. So we've been calling him either The Fox (Terry Fox) or The (Maltese) Falcon.

We think we're so clever.

CSI

2011-02-05T04:12:00.005-05:00

When I was in High School, one of my boyfriends/bestfriends and I woud watch it every week while on the phone with each other. We'd discuss the cases and who we thought had done the crimes and we never failed to mention how hot Catherine Willows was looking that week.

The Beast Below

2011-02-02T00:15:00.002-05:00

One of my favourite episodes of Doctor Who is called "The Beast Below". (I highly recommend watching this show as it is amazing.)

"So is this how it works, Doctor? You never interfere in the affairs of other peoples or planets... unless there's children crying."

He does, but that's not the point of this episode. The point is that if you can do something, you shouldn't have to watch children cry...

"What if you were really old, and really kind, and alone. Your whole race dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, and that kind, and the very last of your kind, you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry."

I really can't either.

But, working in an elementary school, it usually happens at least once a day. And usually, the reason they are crying is because they want attention, or they're having some sort of fit in order to get what they want, or because they can't get what they want. So I just have to watch them cry because it's teaching them some sort of lesson or something ridiculous like that.

During gym, apparently one boy elbowed another, which resulted in the elbowee crying on the bench. I went to see what was wrong, and he told me, so since it wasn't some sort of attention fit or whatever, I hugged him, picked him up, and carried him to his teacher and told her what had happened, and then sat back down on the bench with him.

Hugging children when they're crying feels a million times better than having to just ignore them.

A horse and a man, above, below,
One has a plan but two must go.
Mile after mile, above, beneath,
One has a smile, one has teeth.
Though the man above might say hello,
Expect no love from the beast below.
In bed above we're deep asleep,
While greater love lies further deep.
This dream must end, this world must know,
We all depend on the beast below.

Kids

2011-02-01T01:19:00.003-05:00

I love children so much. I'm so lucky to be able to spend all day with them.
I love my job so, so, so much.

Every morning, I get to go to the library for a half-hour. I have my tea. I check in books. I re-arrange taxidermy birds.
Then, at 9, I go to a 1st grade class and do a bunch of different things. Helping. Reading. Being read to. Cutting. Colouring. Stapling. Saying "please sit at your desk".

After that, at 10, I sometimes go back to the library, or I have morning break for half an hour and then do reading work with 3rd graders... and then I go back to the library, or to lunch.

After lunch, I go to second grade and do general helpful things.

At 2, I go back to 1st grade and help them with their end-of day things, then gym class, then getting all their stuff together to leave school and go home.

Today, I got licked on the arm. Sortof. This boy had been sucking on his fingers... and then he ran them down my arm. Which was kind of gross but also rather endearing. I seem to enjoy the wild-child kids most. The ones who remind me of myself at that age... even if they are mis-behaving all the time. Maybe because they are and do.

I jumped rope in gym class. I was actually still pretty good at it... although next time I think I'll empty out my pockets first next time so that all the contents of them don't go bouncing across the floor.

I got a snowboard and bindings today. So much cheaper than I had anticipated! I was originally expecting the board to be $17 at least and the bindings to be $30+, but as a sweet deal, I got the board and bindings for $18! And I had gotten boots and a bicycle for $20 last Friday. I can't live without a bike, really.

I mean. I can I guess. I did for quite a while... and I miss Otto der Teufel, but you can't beat a cheap bike when your preferred one is unavailable... right? It's kinda fucked, but the frame is nice. It's an old Raleigh with horizontal drop-outs. It's the exact sort of frame I always sort of thought about having. Don't get me wrong, I love Otto more than anything, but sometimes, a vintage frame is nice to have.

I just can't wait to be back on a bike.

Fake Meat

2011-01-28T01:25:00.002-05:00

I fucking hate it when people go through the trouble to make me something vegetarian... and then add in fake meat. Like, oh, you can't eat the one with actual meat in it, so here's the same thing, but with fake meat!

Oh. Great. Just what I wanted...

But not really.

The reason I don't eat meat is not because I think animals shouldn't be eaten. If I did, I'd probably take issue with cooking meat, but making a baked chicken is my favourite thing ever... as long as I don't have to eat it. I don't eat meat because I think it's fucking disgusting.
Except for bacon. That shit is magical.

I don't like the way it feels. I don't like the way it looks. I don't like the way it tastes.
Why on earth would I want to eat a synthetic reproduction of it? EW.

I know people are trying to be nice and inclusive and what-not... but seriously? Please just replace the meat with actual veggies instead of veggies pretending to be meat.

Another thing is that since I dont eat meat, you must substitute it with tofu at all times...

Please don't. Firstly, I don't need it. Just veg really is fine. Secondly, too much tofu makes you a porker. And third, if you feel the need to replace meat with tofu, you probably don't know how to cook it correctly and just please don't bother. It's fine without it. Really. I promise.

Now, I'm not trying to complain and say that my roommates are horrible cooks; because they're not! Most of the food they make is quite nice. And I really appreciate their vegetarian efforts.

It's just that tonight, there were like. Some sort of veggies, and then two bowls of ground-beef. One was actually ground-beef, and the other was fake meat. And it was totally separate from the veg, which was super awesome because I fucking hate beef, fake or otherwise. It smells gross and kind of reminds me of poop. Not appetizing at all.

So I just had veg. and then was offered fake ground beef, which I turned down, mentioning that I don't like fake meat. Everyone was all shocked and like, "YOU NEVER SAID SO BEFORE".

You don't WANT to know all of the things I don't like and will refuse to eat if I can get away with it. Someone brought up chili that had been made last week with fake meat in it... but I never actually got around to eating that... and anyway, of course I don't LIKE eating the fake meat, but if it's in something already and I can't easily get rid of it, I'll eat it anyway. But tonight, it was separate, so since I think it's fucking nasty, I didn't have any. I don't really see the problem with that... "It's part of the meal," blah blah. Okay... so why do I have to eat all of every meal when I specifically don't like something? I wasn't the only one who doesn't eat ground beef, so it's not like the fake meat stuff was expressly made for me. Our project leader doesn't eat red meat at all, so it was for her too.

I sometimes just don't eat at all as I'm occasionally not hungry. It has nothing to do with what was made and everything to do with what my stomach is doing at dinner time. If I'm fucking starving but the food looks gross or is something I don't really like, I'll eat it anyway because being hungry isn't fun. But honestly. I don't care if I hurt your feelings by not eating when I'm not hungry. My number one rule is "never eat when you're not hungry" because it just makes you feel really gross. Get over it and realize that it's not the food. It's that I'm not fucking hungry.

As for the list of all foods I have no interest in eating... keep in mind, I'm an insanely picky eater:
Blueberries
Celery
Seafood
Lima beans
All meat but bacon, turkey bacon is also acceptable
All fake meat
All types of melon
Hard boiled eggs
Lasagna
Most Italian food
Indian food
Mexican food
Coffee
Green beans
Oatmeal
Most breakfast foods
Plain cheese (uncooked and not in anything. fucking ew.)
All pie except: cherry, strawberry rhubarb, chocolate, and banana cream
Cake (i only like cupcakes)
Most mushrooms
Pears
Currants
Figs
Dates
Coconut (i ONLY like it fresh)
Noni (who would ever want to eat one of these?????)

And the list goes on.

Anyway, it's far too much trouble to even mention any of this to my roommates... so I'm not sure why they get so offended when I won't eat something. "Oh, first you eat chicken, now you don't, blah blah". Don't even worry about it. My eating or not, is not your issue. I'll eat what I want... and I'll deal with it if you make something I won't eat. Why even worry about it?

My hatred of eating has nothing to do with you.

Pretty Sweet

2011-01-27T01:23:00.002-05:00

It's pretty fucking awesome when a kid who can't concentrate on hardly anything, doesn't seem too interested in much, and gets in trouble a lot, can't stop asking me about the book I'm reading.

It's Harry Potter. He's in first grade and saw the cover when we were working on sentences. He asked how the boy on the front got the scar on his forehead. I said it was from a man who tried to kill him when he was a baby. A man who talks to snakes. And that he grew up being bullied by his cousin and aunt and uncle.

Tomorrow, I'll ask his teacher if it'd be cool for me to read it to him for a bit. He just kept asking question after question about it.

It got me so stoked.

And Then There Were Ten

2011-01-26T01:06:00.002-05:00

Tonight, we got super shitty news.
One of our group members, Antoine, is leaving tomorrow.

He'll probably maybe still be in town, living with some friends of his here, but it's still shitty that he won't be our roommate/housemate/katimamate anymore.

He's a really great guy and although group situations don't really go to well with him, he's great when you get him one on one, so it's really unfortunate that he'll be leaving us.

Not to pass judgement on anyone who would come in to fill his spot, but I really hope no one does. We all have an understanding of each other now and a family dynamic. I think it would be really hard for anyone to come in and try to belong... they'd be like the outsider cousin or something.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

I got a huge German flag for my bed. It's so reclusive now. There's my Union Jack at the foot, the German flag covering from the foot to about my shoulders, and the rest of the way is covered by the wanted poster flag thing of Jim Morrison that I got when I was in Melbourne. So that's super nice.

My bunk-mate Emily got a... mosquito netting thing? I don't know how to describe it. One of those princessy things that hangs from the ceiling and floats over your bed... it's really long and covers my lower bunk too. I like it. Everyone else has kindof normal beds. Sarah's got a blanket barrier for her bunk, but just on the one side, and Isabelle has the Quebec flag hanging at the foot of her bed, but no one else's looks as insane as ours.

I also bought Lethal Weapon 1 and 2 since they were on sale and I couldn't resist, as well as some really cute and comfy Burton pinguin socks. I was going to buy this sweet pair of Volcom socks, but then realized they weren't at all in my size which was disappointing. But honestly, I like the Burton ones better, so whatever.

We're so busy this week. I'm really glad I have the latter half of my mornings working in the library. It lets me just chill out and read Harry Potter for an hour or so. Usually like two hours.

I was ridiculously excited to be house manager the week after next, but now I'm starting to plan what food I want to make with Paul and it's kind of freaking me out. I'm not sure how to get the correct balance of meat for everyone else. I mean, for me personally, I can just leave the meat out of whatever I'm making, but I'm not sure how much meat everyone else wants... Seeing as I've never really been a fan of meat anyway, I really wouldn't know. So far, I still have to plan 5 dinners. All the other meals, I've got ideas and recipes for.

Paul wants Indian food and some Alfredo. So I planned a coronation chicken curry dinner for Wednesday. And I think we could do the Alfredo either Friday or Saturday. I really want to avoid beef in the menu as it is my least favourite meat. I planned a ham and cheese toastie for one of the lunches, and can just leave ham out of mine, which is fine... but I honestly don't even want to touch beef. It icks me out so bad.

As Someone Who Knows How It Feels...

2011-01-22T12:42:00.003-05:00

I think it's pretty shitty that some people won't medicate their kids who have ADHD and just leave them to be in trouble at school and teased by their peers when they can't help it. "/

You Don't Know

2011-01-17T01:39:00.002-05:00

That song I recited at my mother's funeral?
The one you all loved the words to.
The one you all asked me about.
So that you could get it on itunes.

The thing you don't know about those lovely, fitting lyrics is...

They're screamed.

Even though you won't see what I'm seeing, I would love for you to feel what I'm feeling. The impact and the ease after. Rest assured that the pain will fade. Right outside the inspiration is told, I'll carry on what I know. That is what I need for my sickness, a transition to new medium. Breakaway from the world and stick to rhythm. Rust assured that the pain will fade. If I don't walk blindside, I'll roll right. If I hold sight, I'll roll right. I'm sure we see that same way, just not from the same place. I need a medium. I need a balance. - Hot Water Music, "Rest Assured".

Same Hair

2011-01-14T00:44:00.002-05:00

I'm not allowed hairdye in the katimahaus in case anything gets stained.

Other than that, it's pretty fucking awesome here. As you can see from the photos I posted last time, it's fucking beautiful. Everyone is really, really great. We all get along really well.

We got our work positions on Tuesday, and went for the first time Wednesday.

My friend Simon and I work at an elementary school with the most charming and adorable children I could imagine. I definitely wasn't anything like that when I was their age.

I think Simon has a harder time than I do, because their french isn't as good as his, but he can't really speak all that much in English to them either. So... yeah.

We went to a "café" on lunch that was just up the street. It was horrible. It was supposed to be like... Louisiana food. Everything had meat in, and I guess I haven't mentioned, but I'm a vegetarian again. Being vegan is too annoying for everyone else here.

The man sitting at the table behind us was like some crazy retired trucker or something. I accidentally made eye contact with him, and he started talking at us... but we really couldn't understand what he was saying, so we were just like, UH... >_> and laughing so hard about it. It was terrible. I felt so bad, because Simon was facing him, so he just kept looking and talking at him while Simon was going like, "OMG, HELP. ME." and I couldn't really do anything.

After that, we found the café we'd meant to go to in the first place. They have even veggie burgers there! Much better.

The only downside right now is that I'm ill with a cold and we have to walk like half an hour to work through the snow, across town at like 8am. But the school and staff and kids are all really great, so it's worth it I guess.

Now I'll have solid references about working well with children so that I can be an au pair at some point.

Anyway, it's nearly eleven and I'm sick and rather exhausted, so I am going to bed.

I hope to get a cheap bike soon to ride to and from work.

Alberta

2011-01-06T23:05:00.000-05:00

In Alberta. It's boss. Took pictures.

This.

2010-12-27T23:43:00.001-05:00

Shame

2010-12-26T21:22:00.001-05:00

I wasn't aware it was even possible to be ashamed, embarrassed, and horrified to the point of blind fury.

Apparently it is.

Awesome.

Chop

2010-12-21T22:46:00.004-05:00

I cut my hair. It was getting long and silly and odd... seeing as it was an undercut... so I've decided to have it grow out all at once... while looking like Emma Watson.

Wonderland

2010-12-21T14:01:00.001-05:00

Whenever I'm sick, I watch Alice In Wonderland repeatedly.
And I just really love it in general.

Someday, I hope to get this as a tattoo:

I love the look on her face and the way she is sitting.

I feel like that every single day.

Packing

2010-12-21T09:49:00.001-05:00

It's a bitch and takes forever.
But I have Blink 182 and a giant pack of gatorades to help with that.

J Smooth Is Magical

2010-12-18T19:07:00.000-05:00

And you should love him like I do.
And also his cat.

Who is not in this video.
But go find another that it is in.

My Way

2010-12-18T15:14:00.001-05:00

Last time I was at my Mum's, "My Way" by Frank Sinatra was on the radio or something, and I was upstairs singing the Sid Vicious version along to it...

And my mum yelled up the stairs, "What are you shouting about?????"

Which is hilarious.

Dreaming In Spanish

2010-12-17T00:53:00.002-05:00

When I'm sick, I have really weird dreams. One that's re-occurring and a bunch of others that are just mental. But being sick, I'm usually only half asleep or drifting between dream world and the real world. So my dreams are kind of like hallucinations as well.

Earlier, I had a dream where I was in the (Doctor) Whoniverse and if I didn't go to the grocery store to get food and medicine at a certain time, the world would end or something. Which is kind of terrifying. But I really didn't feel up to going to the store right then, but I kept worrying about it for a while longer until I fell back asleep at about 8pm.

The second dream I had was in Spanish. Which is ridiculous as I don't speak Spanish! All I can say are basic things like, "hi" "how are you" and "please". So... I don't think I even understood what was going on. It was really weird.

But! To my utter joy and delight, once I woke up from Spanish World, I was feeling a lot better. I even feel up to going to the store now. I didn't expect to feel this fine for at least two more days... and I was expecting those two days to be miserable. Yay body!

Nothing Is Good & Everything Hurts

2010-12-16T10:54:00.002-05:00

When I'm well, I always forget how miserable I am when I fall ill. It doesn't happen overly often, which is nice, but when it does... so much unpleasantness.

Firstly, nothing is good.

Food isn't good. Movies aren't good. It's impossible to be ACTUALLY happy or horny. Nothing is sexual when you're sick. Even hot scenes from films are just meh. Nothing is funny either. Maybe some things can elicit a light chuckle... but it's hard to even do that because, and that brings me to my second point...

Everything hurts.

Laughing hurts, swallowing hurts, moving hurts. Everything is too cold, too hot, too loud, too bright. The sensation of typing out just these few words right now is even itself painful and exhausting. It feels like there is a fat man in my head munching at my brain.

It hurts to smile at amusing things in the Doctor Who episode I am watching. The idea of getting dressed and walking to go get medicine and a movie sounds as difficult and unpleasant as some sort of triathalon involving swimming the Channel, running across the Sahara, and doing the Tour De France. And at the end of it, no one is proud or pats you on the back, because good for you, you walked a few blocks to the store. But then again, with how I currently feel, I wouldn't want a pat on the back anyway.

I recall once being nastily ill in California over Christmastime. I was half asleep watching some movie in my grandparents' bed, and my mom had said that she was going out "soon" and would pick me up some nyquil or somesuch. She walked in over an hour after telling me this, and I was elated. Finally, maybe I'd get to feel better... but no. Lucky me. She was walking in to let me know that she was leaving then and would be gone for hours. I think I cried. I feel like crying now, really.

Being sick is so, so miserable. I never feel this bad! It's not even like the urge to cry because something is sad. It's the urge to cry because everything is at the most awful that you could ever possibly imagine. It hurts and you feel helpless as you just need to wait to feel better and there's nothing really you can do. And of course crying makes it worse.

Crying makes everything worse.

It makes people stare and ask if you're alright. "Well no. I was just crying because I'm so pleased that everything is so fucking dandy right now." They never ask if you're alright if you're doing that tears of joy crying thing. They just KNOW you're happy. SO why the fuck bother me and ask if I'm alright when I'm clearly not. It's not to make me feel better, that's for sure. It's to make them feel as though they've done something about it. It does nothing except remind me how horrid everything is and why I'm crying in public in the first place.

I'm so excited to be home from the store. It hasn't happened yet... but when it does, it will involve crisps, and juice, and cold medicine, and ice cream, and a dvd of Alice in Wonderland. And the end of plotting to go out. Having no agenda but to lie in bed watching English things and eating crisps and ice cream and drinking juice. And possibly Gatorade.

That's the only down-side of living alone. When you're ill, you've got to do everything for yourself. Good thing that'll only be for a week longer.

Why do I always seem to get ill around Christmas? I'm such a downer.

It doesn't even feel like 9 days until Christmas. Maybe it will when I get to Michigan. I don't decorate and everything is in chaos from being half-packed and sorted.

Rammstein!

2010-12-10T04:59:00.004-05:00

First of all, please excuse any weird typing errors, as I am using the hostel`s French keyboard. Maybe I`ll go back and change them later, or I will just decide they are hilarious and leave them in. ALSO. I can`t exactly remember the setlist and what order it went in, so I`m just trusting what I found online... except it says they played Mein Teil... which they didn`t, and leaves out that they played Ich Tu Dir Weh... which they did.

Anyway.

Last night at about 6:30, I headed out for the Centre Bell. Tip: don`t ask with a French accent. You will get directions in French. In fact, it`s best just to ask for "The Bell Centre".

I got to the Centre Bell at 5 to 7 and lucky lucky me, for once, I just happened upon the line for people with GA floor tickets. Like me.

Waiting in line was cold. The beginning of winter in Montreal is like the dead of winter in Toronto. Maybe worse. Anyway, I stood out in line talking to random people about how fucking cold it was, for a bit less than an hour. Which is silly as doors were supposed to be at 7. Oh well.

I walked in, during the middle of Combichrist`s set. And may I just say, Joe Letz was looking very fine. I deffs want to see them again at some point. They`re mental in the best way, really. I`ve pretty much never, ever seen anyone drum the way Joe does. I think I once heard that he does it like that, just for fun. So fun to watch.

About half an hour after they finished, Rammstein went on. But between the two, I weasled my way up to the 2nd row behind some two drunk girls... who were kindly smoking in my face. Thanks so much for sharing your cancer and all. Wanted it bad. ._. Anyway... soz. The group surrounding me went like this, some (literally mentally unstable psycho) girl in a plaid coat, a girl with blonde and blue hair, a drunk girl with frizzy hair that was in my mouth (D:), a drunk girl with bleach fried hair, and some girl with long black hair, who the girl with fried hair kept jossling with. Didn`t want any part of that thanks so much.

Rammstein went on just after 9... and were amazing, by the way. They started with Rammlied, but first, they had these black plastic things that were in front of them, and Paul and Richard broke through them by banging at them with guitars and all, then on the one in front of Till, there was some pyro that worked itself around in an oval while Richard and Paul just stood looking menacing, then the door kinda exploded, and out came Till in the most insane outfit. It had feathers and a red apron and there was a light in his mouth that shone out every time he sang. He just stood there with his arms up while the into played out looking like God. Schneider`s drumset lights up red at times! I hadn`t seen that in any pictures from shows yet, but it looked really great live!

They played Buckstabu next, then Waidmann`s Heil. Which was good. Till had this like... so if you`ve ever seen Beauty and the Beast, Gaston`s got this crazy hunting shotgun thing, Till had one like that. Only it shot fire instead. They played Keine Lust, then Weisses Fleisch, which I am a superfan of. Schneider had this really mega drumsolo, and then Flake did his crazy dance thing. During Keine Lust, it actually got cold for a bit! It was nice, being so hot with the fire and in the crowd and all to have a blast of chilly air.

Feuer Frei was next, and there were some crazy explosions during that along to the beat a bit. With the `bang! bang!` bit and all. Toward the end of it, Till, Paul and Richard got their fire-shooting masks on, which was exciting. Talking about set props on fire, I`d wished they`d have done Asche zu Asche, but you can`t always get what you want. Weiner Blut was insane. I don`t even like that song much usually, but they had all these crazy baby dolls come down from the ceiling which had green lazers for eyes. At the end of the song, they all exploded one by one. It was very... Rammstein. Hahaha. Can`t think of another word for it. Not quite disturbing to me, but probably to other people.

After that, they did Fruhling in Paris, and it started off with the stage all black with Till having just some lightbulb come be friends wtih him from the ceiling, but then, the backdrop fell away from being black and industrial with these light scratches across it, to this red background full of lights and stuff. It changed a second time later in the show. I got a shitty picture of Till with it on my blackberry. Please excuse the blur. The crowd was in motion.

I want to say the next song was Ich Tu Dir Weh. The setlist I`m going by says Mein Teil, but that`s definitely not right. So... yeah, I`m pretty sure it`s Ich Tu Dir Weh. Anyway, towards the beginging of that, the psycho in the plaid coat went all mad, and started throwing punches, so security got right on her and was trying to drag her out of the crowd, but she wouldn`t come and was putting up a huuuge fight about it. So it took like 3 security guys what seemed like forever to get her out. When they finally got her over the barrier, she attacked the two girls in front of me and I guess injured them, because they then asked to be lifted out. MAGICAL! I don`t wish bad things on okay people, BUT THIS MEANT THAT I WAS NOW IN THE FRONT ROW!! Finally!!! I raised my hands up in the air and just felt the lovely breeze at the front before excitedly singing along. So. Much. Happiness.

Till and Flake were at it with each other, and Till picked up Flake and carried him over to this bath tub. Then, he got this metal jug, and stood on this platform that went up and up and up and up. Then, he poured sparks into the tub, where Flake probably wasn`t. And every so often, it would explode out of the tub with a bang. When he was done, he came back down, looked into the tub and kind of shrugged, saying like Flake was dead and all. But then, when Till was away, Flake climbed out of the tub in this mad sparkle suit.

After I got into the front row, the concert seemed to last so much longer and everything was just a million times better.

They played Du Riechst So Gut, and did that headbanging thing they do... and seeing as I`ve seen Volkerball twenty too many times, I totally did it too. And probably looked... who cares actually. I was having fun and don`t care what I looked like. Even if I had a camera shoved in my face about half the time. Probably because I was enthusiastic, in the front row, and knew allll the words!! Apparently it`s for a DVD... so yeah! Buy their next DVD because hopefully I`ll be on it. Hater`s gonna hate and doubters gonna doubt, but DVD proof will arise... hopefully. It`ll be the second live show DVD I`ll be on... hopefully I`ll be able to stomach watching this one. The other is just too embarrassing.

ANYWAY. Even though they didn`t have the pyro arm bands, it was still amazing when Paul and Richard did their one-handed guitar solo at the centre front of stage. Did I mention that since I was in the front row, I was litterally directly in front of Paul?? I was! He`s super yummy and sooooo fit. At the very end, Till had a crossbow that shot red fireworks out and then there were these other swirly explosions that came out of... I don`t know where.

They did Benzin and had this old sort of petrol pump that shot fire. Some crew member dressed as a fan ran up onstage and Till lit him on fire with it. A note about the fire: you can really, really FEEL it. When I was 15, my mom took me to see the Rolling Stones and they had these fire pyre shooting things on top of towers far far away, and you could feel them even! So flam throwers and explosions onstage was mental! Anyway, Benzin was good.

After that was Links 234!!!! Which is one of my FAVOURITE songs by them. I love it live. It was just as amazing as I always thought it would be. After, was Du Hast... which isn`t really my favourite, but that`s alright. It`s a good song, just overplayed is all. It`s the only song by them anyone seems to know. They had CRAZY pyro during that. It would shoot up from just on either side of Till, and then it would shoot down from the ceiling when he`d say `NEIN!` It was like he was God. Seriously. I actually think he might be. Anyway, at the end of the song, it was just all this fire blasting out. I don`t know how the band could take it! It got SO hot at the front, I thought I was about to be cooked, and all of the stage hands and security guards dove down against the barrier to try to get away from it!!!

They did Pussy after that and everyone but Schneider came down to the front of the stage, Flake with a little portable keyboard. Till was so obscene, licking the air and all in mock cunnilingus. It was HOT. Hahaha. He`s certainly got a tongue on him. Anywaaaayyy. They came out with this giant penis cannon on a track with a saddle, and Till got on and went back and forth shooting out soap suds cum and looking like he was getting some. I got a full face full of it... and obscenely mucked about in it. And why not?! I was there for fun and fun is what I had!! After the suds, a bunch of white confettii came from the sides of the stage and stuck to all the soap. Lovely mess! After that, Schneider came down and they took a bow and thanked us for being awesome... in French!! Schneider was looking extra yummy and was doing that whole, catty slutty girl bending forward and arching his back thing with his legs wide open when he was `bowing`. What a fox!

The left the stage after that, but came back a little while after to play Sonne!! I think they always do yellow lights with that song, as Sonne means Sun! So at one point, they had crazy flickering in the background. It was like yellow strobelight maddness. They played Haifisch then. After most of the song was done, Flake got into the boat and mock paddled around across the crowd. He didn`t look so scared clinging to the side of the boat anymore, and no one tipped him out and ripped his clothes off, so I guess it`s a better boat now. While he was doing that, Paul and Richard switched places and so I got to have an eyefull of Delicious Dick! Hahahaha. The best bit was that he was totally looking back at me!! He`s cut his hair and wears it flat still and it looks magnificent. Flake made a triumphant return, having picked up a Canadian flag at some point... or maybe he had it with him... I was staring at Richard most of the time instead of looking back to Flake who I could barely even see anyway. I`ll just see him on the DVD!

I feel like they may have gone offstage for a bit after Haifisch, but I can`t be certain... I know they did at least once more between going off after Pussy, and when they finally left.

Anyway, they played Ich Will! Like Links, it is also fucking amazing live. At some point, Till told everyone to get their arms up... I guess?? I don`t know!! He said it in French!! But my arms were already up because the song lyrics say to do so, and I know all the German lyrics. I felt impressive. Hahahaha. They always say in interviews that the non-German speaking crowds, a. don`t sing along, and b. don`t know to put their hands up when they say `I want to see your hands!` in German.

The last they played was Engel. Till walked out backwards with these massive metal wings on and a claw on his left hand. I pretended to whistle along... since I can`t whistle!! The wingtips started to spout flames at some point and then pyro lit along one side of them. It was probably supposed to be along both sides, but it didn`t quite work out, I guess. It looked pretty great and all anyway. Till went off, and then they all put their instruments down and stood near the ramp to backstage or wherever and got down on a knee when Till came out. Queen Richard only bowed as he is superior and will kneel to no one! Or somesuch. I had a giggle about it to myself. They then went to the front of the stage and bowed to US. And Till thanked us and told us that we were... éncroyablé!! Or however you spell incredible, in French.

They were all super adorable the whole time. Flake`s dancing is magical, Paul always looks so serious!! Richard is pretty and rocks out so hard. Olli is SUCH a good bassist. Schneider thinks he`s such hot shit... but for good reason... HE IS! But it`s so funny anyway. In a cute, endearing sort of way. Till is adorable, adorable, adorable. He pulls weird faces and doesn`t care, during one song, all he did was counvulsey twitch instead of dancing. And sometimes he did cute little dances. I wanted to put them all in my pocket and take them home and keep them forever. I guess I can when the DVD comes out!! It felt so much smaller to me, since I was in the front row. It was a sold out show and there were thousands of people there, but it just felt so much more intimate at the front because they were ALL behind me, so all I could see was the band, and the people next to me.

After they left, I hung around a bit and found Finger. I asked if they were giving out passes or doing an afterparty, but he said they weren`t. Probably because they have to leave for NYC early since they`ve a show there tomorrow at Madison Square Garden!!! Due to the fact that he couldn`t give me a pass, Finger gave me Richard`s guitar pick, it`s red and even says RZK on it. When I get home, I`ll put a hole through it and add it to the necklace I`m currently wearing... which happens to have a bass pick on it that I picked up at a show in Detroit. You can just guess whose it was. :P I gave Finger a really big hug since he gave me the pick and all and then we talked a bit and I went on my merry way. I didn`t even need a coat on the way home! I was so warm from being at the show and all. Excitement heats the blood, I think.

Anyway. It was just generally the best EVER. I can`t wait until the DVD comes out so I can relive it whenever.

Alan

2010-12-06T05:54:00.003-05:00

I'm too excited about seeing Rammstein in 3 days to sleep, so instead I'm awake writing weird jokesy fan letters to Alan Rickman. Hopefully he won't read them. But... they are hilarious. So I hope SOMEONE does. The one I'm currently working on is basically a rant about how in the fantasy life I have with him, he likes poached eggs, and I don't know how to cook poached eggs and really wish he'd prefer scrambled instead.

PLEASE NOTE:
I do not have a fantasy life with Alan Rickman.

But it is true that I don't know how to cook poached eggs. I think that's the one where you drop it into the water...? Oh well. I'm not worried about it as I don't really like eggs anyway.

I think this is because when I was growing up, the only thing my mom (not my mum) knew how to cook for breakfast was scrambled eggs... so I'm kind of tired of them now.

Anyway, I'm just sitting here being ridiculous.
Because I can.

See And Be Scene

2010-12-04T19:16:00.002-05:00

I would so much rather people be under the impression that I am shunned and neglected, therefore am completely independent, than one who grew up coddled and sheltered.

Not that I was coddled and sheltered. But still.

Elvis

2010-12-03T14:55:00.002-05:00

So sometimes I do this thing with my mouth. I don't consciously know how I do it, but whatever. I suppose most people would call it a lip-curl. Like what Elvis is famous for doing? Yeah. That.

Yeah. That one.

Anywho. I do that.

Usually without even noticing that I've done it.

I was at a show once, and I guess I did it, and someone mentioned Elvis and was like, "HAHA. ARE YOU RELATED TO ELVIS?" and I was like... >>____>>

"Yes. Of course I am. I'm his illegitimate granddaughter."

Which probably isn't true at all, but I'm adopted so it could be. (but isn't)

I am however directly (but illegitimately) related to King Henry VIII of England.
Whenever I watch the Tudors, I call him Grandpa. Because I'm awesome.

Piercings

2010-11-14T04:38:00.002-05:00

When I was growing up, my parents made me wait until I was 7 to get my ears pierced.
I had to wait until I was 14 to get the upper part of my ear pierced.
It wasn't until I was 15 that they'd let me get my navel pierced.

And that was the last piercing they actually "let" me get.

When I was 14, I gave myself my very own surface piercings over my hips... since I did it myself, that didn't work out all so well and I took them out soon after. My mum saw the scars a little while later and I told her they were mosquito bites or something.

When I was 16, I got my second holes done in my ears over in Windsor. I asked. My parent said no (I don't even know why. It's such a basic piercing.) and then I did it anyway. When I was 17, I got my 3rd holes done without even asking.

I didn't bother asking when I was 17 and got my tongue pierced with my friend just after we won marching band finals. They'd specifically told me at some point that I definitely couldn't get my tongue pierced until I was no longer living with them.

When I was 16, I saved up for months to have a bunch of my own money for our summer trip to the UK. I figured I'd be left on my own at some point in Edinburgh, and planned on it. Checking out the local piercing parlours on the net and seeing which I could get to pierce my nipples. Unfortunately, all of my money and passport got stolen while out shopping the very morning I'd planned to visit the parlour! Worst luck ever and I was ridiculously pissed.

When I was 17, my mother took me to get my first tattoo. A week later, I got my tongue pierced. And exactly a week after that, my friends and I went to go get her tongue pierced, and ended up both getting our nipples pierced as well. Finally.

On the first of January, 2008, I got my inverse navel pierced as my friend got her regular one done.

In the summer, just after I'd turned 18, I got my tongue pierced twice on each side, which is called "venoms", if you didn't know.

In October, I got my upper lip pierced twice, which is "angel bites". That's the last piercing I got while still living with my parent(s)... they didn't even live together then.

In December, I got my lower lip pierced twice on one side, a "spider bite".

And then I moved to Toronto and in March, got my septum pierced, which is the one that sometimes hides up my nose.

In the summer, I got my right nipple re-pierced as I'd taken my old piercings out nearly a year previously for rugby. I'd actually meant to get my inverse navel re-done, but they refused to do it as it's a spot that is prone to rejection. Clearly I'll have to get around to getting it redone elsewhere.

In August of 2009, I got a surface piercing over my collarbone, which I loved and was awesome. It was my third surface piercing, and the only one I'd had professionally done.

In early November, I got snakebites, which is two lip piercings, one on either side of my mouth. I'd rather like to get them re-done, as obviously I no-longer have them.

And I've not gotten any new piercings since then... that's an entire year.

If you've been paying attention, that's a total of 25 piercings. I currently only have 3. And there's only 4 that my parents ever actually let me get.

I don't even know why they were always so anal about it. "Oh, you have to be sure." No you don't. That's such ridiculous bullshit. Piercings are so temporary. If they weren't, I'd be full of holes. Obviously. But am I? No. You take them out. They heal over. No harm done.

"Oh, what will people think?" Do I honestly seem like the type of person who cares what people think? I've got my fucking fingers tattooed. Why on earth would I care?

I'm sure it had more to do with "What kind of parents will our friends think we are if our daughter is full of metal?" Well, I'm (not) sorry to break it to anyone, but I really don't care what anyone thinks. If I ever convince myself that vomiting isn't *THAT* bad and manage to become a parent, I'll be so much more lenient about piercings. Like really.

So Mum. I know you read my blog. Tell me, what's the real reason I wasn't allowed piercings growing up?

Like A Ruler

2010-11-12T01:39:00.003-05:00

I'm straight.

Not gay. Not bi. Not anything other than straight.

I get really annoyed when people assume that I'm anything other than heterosexual... because I'm not. I don't want people to think I'm gay or bi.

"Why? What's wrong with being gay or bi?"

Nothing. Nothing at all is wrong with being gay. So why does it matter? Because I don't like people thinking I'm anything that I'm not.

Try and call me German and see how pissy I get then.

I'm not German, I'm Austrian.
I'm not Mexican, I'm Spanish.
I'm not 'First Nations', I'm Native American.
I'm not Italian, nor Russian, nor Polish, nor Swedish...

I am what I am. There's nothing wrong with what I am not.
But it's so annoying for people to assume that I'm anything other than what I am.

It's annoying if you think my favourite colour is blue instead of black. Or if you think I play guitar instead of bass. Or that I ski rather than snowboard. I can't stand that people always assume that my parents are a straight couple, rather than lesbians who adopted me, could you be any more narrow minded? I hate that, upon mentioning I have two moms, people still ask "what about your dad" or "is one of them your step mom?" or "which one is your real mom?" ... they're BOTH my real mom. Ugh. Assumptions in general are annoying.

I'd rather people thought nothing of me at all until they either asked or I mentioned it.

I wish I were German and Swedish, and that I could ski as well as snowboard. I wish I knew how to play guitar as well as bass. I'd like to not be American. But I can't change what I am. So don't say I'm anything but what I am.

It's SO very irritating.

Wednesday

2010-11-11T05:31:00.002-05:00

As a small child, when I grew up, I wanted to be Wednesday Addams.

I still want to be Wednesday Addams. I've never actually consciously tried to have the same interests as her, or to be like her... and honestly, I'd forgotten I had wanted to be just like her. But now that I recall, and think further about it, we're actually quite alike. I guess this just leaves growing up to be a Dinosaur as well. I'm sure I'll succeed in that too, because clearly I've become Wednesday Addams without even trying.

"Wednesday's child is full of woe."
It's funny. Because I was actually born on a Wednesday.
Obviously.

Oh, Lawyers

2010-11-11T05:10:00.001-05:00

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another.
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another — the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers. --Ambrose Bierce

Yay Alcohol!

2010-11-10T00:52:00.002-05:00

I've finally discovered a good use for alcohol!!!

I have a bunch in my freezer because people seem to think it makes a good present.
I have no idea why, seeing as I don't drink.

But anyway. When I got home, I clumsily tripped over a whole bunch of nothing and now have the most disgustingly huge bump on my ankle. After freaking out about it for just a sec and realizing I had no ice cubes or anything like that, I remembered that I have a bunch of icy cold bottles of alcohol in the fridge.

So thanks to this little bottle of Bacardi Rum, the swelling is already going down!

Teenage Dream

2010-11-09T15:59:00.002-05:00

Dirty Mary > Katy Perry

Darren Criss > Katy Perry

Dirty Mary ≥ Darren Criss

DIRTY MARY
(It's live and a bit awful. But this is my favourite song ever.)

Katy Perry
...not half as good as...

Darren Criss

Caturday

2010-11-06T12:21:00.002-04:00

My Heart Stops When You Look At Me

2010-11-06T03:46:00.002-04:00

Darren Criss is on Glee next week!
This is the most amazing song ever. They do it so well.
I've been listening to it since it first showed up on my tumblr dashboard.
I love love love Darren, and have done since I first saw A Very Potter Musical (in which he plays Harry. It's hilarious and you need to watch it.) a while ago.
Also, his character sounds AMAZING. He's playing an proudly out and very confident gay boy... which is exactly what both Kurt and mainstream television have been needing.
Plus Darren is totally gorgeous. And he went to U of M!